The Diary of a Reluctant Management Consultant

After two weeks of jet-setting, I can’t say that I’m entirely thrilled to be back at the office again. ‘Underwhelmed’ might be a better description of how I feel, however that may just be the jet lag. I was confident that I would have shrugged off the effects of jet lag by now. Sadly, I’m still struggling to fall asleep at a reasonable hour and am now trying to bore myself to blissful slumber by watching CNBC at one in the morning. On the bright side though, there are some very interesting programs about dinosaurs at that time on the National Geographic channel. The other understandable but bizarre side effect of jet lag is that I find myself getting really hungry at four in the afternoon, which now makes dinner at eight feel like the midnight munchies! The good news is that the Academy Awards ceremony is being broadcast tonight, so I should be fast asleep by about 19:45.

Having just returned from my first trip to the USA a little heavier, a little poorer and a little jet-lagged, I’ve taken some time to reflect on my journey. Here’s what I learnt over the last two weeks:

San Franciscans can be very proud of their city; breathtaking vistas, sights steeped in history, a rich, multi-cultural society and of course, their eccentric, boisterous and very entertaining homeless community. In South African cities, homeless people are homeless because, well… they’re homeless. Poverty forces people onto the streets, trying to eke out a meagre living [...]

The life of a Big Time International Consultant (BTIC – a term learnt from my fellow BTIC Klaus) can become quite tedious at times. The early morning drive to the airport; the daggers being slung at you by ordinary travellers while you check-in at the Gold/Platinum/Most Valued Guest/We’re So Obsequious frequent flyer counter; the awful airline food and the fake, welcoming smiles and artificial laughs from the middle managers that you’re about to liberate of their employment.

Last week I presented my Top Ten list of the Easiest Jobs in the World. Clearly Apple users and Porsche drivers (or perhaps aspirant Porsche drivers?) are very passionate about their chosen brands and certainly let me know about it. I’ve referred the Apple users to my iComplaints line where they can iVent. Porsche readers aren’t available to read this week’s blog as they are busy compiling a definitive and comprehensive list of at least three visible differences between the current and previous 911 models. This week I’m sure to irritate Alfa Romeo drivers and the Afghan tourist authority. Personally, I’m more concerned about the latter. Here’s my list of Top Ten Most Difficult Jobs in the World…

Like many of you dear readers, I procrastinated my way through school and university, trying to absorb entire textbooks the night before exams, all in the vain hope of getting a good job and earning a good salary. Then I became a management consultant and that dream died a sad and dull death. But every now and then I come across people with super cool jobs, making stupendous amounts of money for doing very little. And sometimes their jobs aren’t even remotely cool, but they get paid stupendous amounts of money to make up for it. Sometimes I wish I had one of the easiest jobs in the world, such as any one of these fine examples…

Throughout the world, in organisations of all sorts, there is a subversive group of employees that have a vision and mission of their own. Yes, they come to work and do all the things that the rest of us do, but it’s all just a means to an end for them. They might look like you and me, tired, stressed and bored, but every now and then they get a glint in their eye when they spot an unsuspecting employee oblivious to their wily, predatory ways. No, I’m not talking about internal auditors, but rather a dubious and crafty group of employees: the ones trying to run retail businesses on the side! Need some cheap jewellery, a delicious pastry or two dozen, herbal supplements to energise you or even an aluminium pot? Don’t go to the store, when for you all you know a quality purveyor of these goods may be sitting right next to your cubicle!

Earlier today I spent a precious half hour of my billable time trying to set-up a meeting. Now we all know how much fun meetings can be: they’re a great way to meet new people, indulge in a free cup of coffee, ask irrelevant and often rhetorical questions before leaving early enough not to get any actions assigned to you. However, setting-up a meeting shouldn’t have to be a painful exercise. You get onto Outlook, add invitees, chose a meeting room, check availability, perhaps tweak the time a bit to suit your internet surfing habits and then you’re done. But not today. Today, trying to book a meeting was about as difficult as trying to get the French to work a forty hour work week.

The first week back at the office can, quite possibly, be the most frustrating of the year. The reasons are many and varied but can usually be traced to the clash of the idiots (like me) who worked over the festive season and the lucky schmucks who took leave and went on holiday. As the holiday-makers pour back into the office with their relaxed demeanours, golden tans and childlike, optimistic attitudes, they are met by a small group of disgruntled, envious, aggravated and pale pessimists.

Intoxicated with the assurance of a fresh start to the year, I too make New Year’s resolutions. It’s a great time of year and before you know it, you’re caught up in the rush of making promises you can’t keep, setting goals that are ambiguous, immeasurable, unattainable, unrealistic and unbound by any measure of time in our known universe and of course, swearing to go to the gym more often… starting next week.

So, after much thought and careful consideration in Woolworths queue, I’ve come up my Top Ten New Year’s Resolutions for 2010…