The Diary of a Reluctant Management Consultant

What do you mean Facebook's down?!

Watching CNN, reading the newspaper (they still exist) or even browsing through Flipboard while goofing off in a meeting can be very depressing indeed. While the world has some serious problems, the poor Third World (pun intended) seems to bear the brunt of it. There’s famine in East Africa, conflict in Syria and Greece is buckling under all its debt. It’s very sad. Next thing you know, they’ll be telling us the Spice Girls reunion’s off. And that brings me to my issue of this week, First World problems. While watching a documentary on global warming, I couldn’t help but think that this would have had so much more impact if it was in HD. See, that’s a First World problem and we have many of them. They’re very annoying and I have at least ten of them:

If you’ve experienced any First World problems, let us know – post a comment or send me a mail at diary@jeetesh.net

When Jeetesh isn’t waiting for his laptop to boot, he’s available as a keynote, conference and after-dinner speaker.

We've all been there!

I was in a health and beauty store called Clicks recently. I knew this because I had planned on going into Clicks and buying something from them. I was also given a few subtle clues that I was in a Clicks: the large, brightly lit sign outside the store proclaiming ‘Clicks’, the large, brightly lit sign inside the store proclaiming ‘Clicks’ and the staff member who said “Morning, welcome to Clicks”. So you can imagine my surprise when the lady walking in front of me asked her friend “Is this Clicks?” I had to exercise great restraint to prevent me from engaging my sarcasm gear and answer my fellow shopper with “No this isn’t Clicks, it’s a Starbucks. The coffee’s served at the back of the store under the sign ‘Prescription Medication’!” Sadly such idiocy isn’t limited to the mall, it even seeps into the office. So as a service to you dear reader, here are some suggested sarcastic answers to stupid questions in the office:

Comments and feedback at diary@jeetesh.net are welcome, especially if you’ve got some sarcastic answers of your own!

When Jeetesh isn’t getting coffee, he’s available as a keynote, conference and after dinner speaker.

2012! Aren't we meant to flying to work by now, accompanied by robot valets?

It’s the start of another exciting New Year. And by ‘exciting’ I really mean ‘very similar to last year’s disappointments’. One minute I was sitting on a beach in Cape Town and the next I find myself complaining about the traffic, sitting in meetings on a Friday afternoon and find that two of my projects are delayed even though nothing’s materially changed apart from the year! Thus, in some respects I find that New Year’s resolutions are quite futile. But at the same time, there is the glimmer of hope that by documenting these goals some of them might even become a reality. And if that doesn’t work at least they’ll be worth a laugh when you read in 2013 how many didn’t even make it off the runway. So, here my list of 2012 New Year’s Resolutions:

• Stop accepting LinkedIn invitations from students in Malaysia who insist that we’ve ‘done business together’
• Endeavour to attend fewer meetings. Life’s too short and I get bored too easily to sit in an un-air-conditioned room, on a Friday afternoon, with bad coffee, listening to guy drone on and on about audit methodologies.
• Stop attending meetings on a Friday afternoon. That’s just wrong!
• Unsubscribing from Groupon South Africa. I have no need for permanent hair removal, teeth whitening or a Brazilian hair blow, let alone getting a 40% discount on all three.
• Going back to wearing a suit and tie. This whole business casual look is too casual and ‘casual Friday’ is bordering on beach attire. And besides, you can intimidate the staff if you’re wearing chinos and a golf shirt.
• Being more active on Twitter and Facebook. There must more I can do by posting updates on what I’m having for lunch, sharing Mahatma Gandhi quotes that inspire me and making inane and attention-seeking comments like, “Why is life treating me so badly?!” (Note: people who make such comments are not very partial to sarcastic answers. To which I say, “Be the change you want to see in the world.” – Mahatma Gandhi)
• Increase my hourly rate. I do this every year. It makes me happy.
• Inspired a little by the News Corporation, I’ve decided to stop taking minutes in meetings and instead am going record them all. I’m tired of attending meetings, taking minutes, sending them out and then a week later some schmuck says “I didn’t agree to that!” despite what the minutes say and resulting in us having to have another meeting to review what we agreed to in the first meeting.
• Stop watching Mad Money’s Jim Cramer on CNBC. That guy really drives me crazy and I’m almost certain he’s going to have a coronary on-air one day.
• Try make it through the year without buying one gadget that I don’t really need, especially if such gadget’s name begins with an ‘i’.

What are some of your New Year’s Resolutions? Share them with us, leave a comment or send me a mail at diary@jeetesh.net  

When Jeetesh isn’t avoiding Jim Cramer, he’s available as a keynote, conference and after-dinner speaker.

Capricorn
By not reading the business press, not watching CNBC, not reading everything written about Warren Buffett, not downloading the Bloomberg app for your iPhone and completely leaving your stock portfolio alone for a year, you’ll make the largest net return you’ve ever made!

Aquarius
Due to the complete coincidence of being born an Aquarius, you will suffer some misfortune this year. Sadly, you’ll be iMugged – they’ll take your iPod, iPhone, iPad and iBook from your iBackpack. The cool, white headphones gave you away.

Pisces
To quote Shakespeare, “Something is rotten in the state of Denmark.” It might be your tuna sandwich and egg salad that you insist on eating at your desk. So to get rid of you and your luncheon odours, your colleagues will lobby to get you transferred to Denmark.

Aries
Your decision to remain in accountancy will bear fruit – your company will give you a Blackberry as a bonus for helping to perpetuate the largest accounting fraud in history, until the next one of course!

Taurus
The Sun is rising, which can only mean one thing: you’ve pulled another all-nighter. The night-shift security guards know you by name, your spouse wants a divorce and your children don’t recognise you anymore. The good news is that you’ll be handsomely rewarded for all your hard work with a $25 Amazon.com voucher!

Gemini
The stars foresee unemployment in your future. Nothing clever here, but the high unemployment rate might have something to do with it…

Cancer
The light from Uranus is glowing brightly which can only mean one thing: a nasty rash. Please consult a medical professional.

Leo
Leo’s are a very entrepreneurial bunch. You’ll resign your highly paid job as an investment banker and will invest your life savings into your dream to build a niche social networking site for plastic surgery patients called Faceliftbook.

Virgo
There is movement in the organisation. People are being promoted but for you, the stars have a lateral move in mind – different title, more responsibility, more stress, same pay. HR remembered that in your interview you mentioned that you work well in a team, and a result, you’ve been re-allocated to the most dysfunctional team in the company. You know, the one that everyone points at in the canteen, doesn’t attend the company picnic and attend trauma counselling sessions in pairs.

Libra
This year people will mistake you for Anderson Cooper. There is nothing you can do about this.

Scorpio
Astronomers will discover an Earth-like planet millions of light years away. As a result, your annual performance management rating will be poor. You won’t get the promotion, the cubicle near the window or a parking space close to the front of the building. Sorry dude, that’s how astrology works!

Sagittarius
Good news on the relationship front – you will no doubt meet the man or woman of your dreams. Unfortunately, you’ve been dreaming a lot about Twilight, which means your new significant other will be pale, sometimes covered in glitter, broody and will be obsessed with Taylor Lautner’s six pack.

If Today’s Your Birthday
For your birthday, you will be lavished with gifts and glory! Included will be a 2012 Mayan calendar that ends on 21 December 2012 and an appointment to the high position of Minister of Finance for Greece. An appearance on the Apprentice and American Idols, separately, is also predicted. There’s also a good chance that you’ll marry a Kardashian.

Jeetesh the Reluctant Management Consultant is available for talks on astrology, spreadsheets and the Peter Principle. More appropriately, he’s also available as a keynote, conference and after dinner speaker.

Dear readers, the Reluctant Management Consultant is on holiday. Yes, while you’re reading this he’s either:

• Sipping a tall, very boozy, cocktail
• Applying even more sunscreen that he normally does when watching test match cricket
• Watching test match cricket
• Having a nap
• All of the above

Normal service will resume in the New Year, which sounds really far away, but is in actual fact only next week. Expect a slight change, as from next week, we’ll now publish the blog on a Friday rather than on a Monday. This will give you ample time to get some work done before enjoying the latest diary entry!

Happy holidays folks and all the best for the New Year. And thanks for all the support!

How to really enjoy the festive season

Dear readers, I’m pleased to announce that I’m on leave, on vacation, taking a holiday! That’s right, after a year of hard work, long but billable hours and client lunches that can be expensed, it’s time to take a little bit of a break. Now, some of you might be reading this while goofing off at the office, and I feel your pain. I had to do the same last year and to help pass the time, I convinced myself that the festive season is a great time of year to be at the office. You invent excuses, like “Finally, I can get all my admin done!” But in actual fact, what you’d really like to be doing is sipping a cocktail by the pool, relaxing on the beach or visiting a casino – all of which are popular ways to spend Christmas in a nice, sunny country like South Africa. But, in and amongst all this merriment, I do have a few things to get done, so before my holiday is up here’s my “Happy Holidays” To Do List:

• Review my list of goals for 2011. Save time on deciding what goals to achieve in 2012 by scratching out the last ‘1’ and replacing it with a ‘2’
• File all the paperwork I’ve managed to accumulate over the course of this last year. And by ‘file’ I mean ‘shred’.
• Finally, redeem my birthday gift vouchers I received last year. I’m thinking of buying a book on defeating procrastination.
• Catch up on watching “How I Met Your Mother” – Ted had better meet their mother pretty damned quickly; it’s been seven seasons already. I should probably also find out who won American Idols this year – I really hope that Kelly Clarkson girl wins, she was excellent…
• In the Christmas spirit, accept all Facebook friend invitations, particularly from people I once queued with to get U2 tickets in 1998
• Work out how much to increase my hourly rate for next year
• Tell the obnoxious children who keep disturbing my holiday afternoon naps that Santa doesn’t exist and because of tough economic conditions they can only expect to get “The Age of Turbulence: Adventures in a New World” by Alan Greenspan as a Christmas present. It’s on special on Amazon for only $11.44!
• Download “Angry Birds” from the iStore to find out what all the fuss is about. I doubt it’s better than Minesweeper, my goofing off game of choice. I wonder if they make a game more suited to my taste, “Passive Aggressive Birds”, for example…?
• Make sure my auto-delete rule is working for any e-mail received while I’m on holiday
• Delete all the e-mails in my “To Do” folder

If you have any other suggestions for me to work on over the holidays, leave a comment or send me a mail at diary@jeetesh.net

When Jeetesh isn’t making cocktails by the pool, he’s available as a keynote, conference and after-dinner speaker.

Companies have policies. Companies have rules. But what if company policy manuals and handbooks were a little less formal? A little less restrictive? What do you think would happen to the employee experience? Do you think customers would notice a difference? Be treated differently? Do you think employees would look as forward to Monday as they do to Friday?

What if risk really reaped rewards and not hand slapping? These are just some of the ideas being tested and implemented by companies across the globe. Perhaps it is time to change the look and feel of the employee handbook?

An excerpt from Diary of The Happiest Employee on Earth:

Quick read. Fun ideas. Endless possibilities. Get yours today!

Week #39
Dear Diary,

I forwarded this policy manual to HR, C.E. Ohhh, and my boss on Wednesday. Given 39 weeks here and observing so much I thought why not.

The Only Employee Policy Manual You’ll Ever Need:

1. The company promises to provide a great employee experience. Please tell us how we can make it even better. This is not lip service.
2. The company promises to provide you with interesting and challenging work. We really do want your ideas to make this happen. This is not lip service.
3. The company will find out what secret talents you possess and we will utilize them to ensure 1 & 2 are being met.

I thanked them for actually making MY employee policy manual (I wrote it at the last miserable job) a reality and how I believed that too many rules and policies kill creativity and ………….

What do you think? Do you think too many rules and policies kill creativity? Productivity? Morale? Engagement? What policies or rules are keeping you from making a difference and doing a better job? Perhaps this entry should be a discussion for your Monday morning kickoff meeting?

Perhaps you need to confiscate your copy of Diary of the Happiest Employee on Earth today?

_____

RICH DIGIROLAMO, founder Recess At Work, works with organizations to create happier work environments, strengthen work teams, design new programs, and create better relationships with customers and peers. In his new book Diary of the Happiest Employee on Earth: 52 Provoking Thoughts for Creating a Great Workplace he talks about why it is important to relax (not eliminate) all the policies and rules that are keeping people from being great.

Are you ready to take a Recess with Rich, inject some new energy into your organization and create an even better employee experience?

Working with IT - sometimes you just want to smash your head into your laptop!

Everywhere you go today, someone’s got an excuse for you. Your bank’s got some shady excuse for debiting your account for trying to deposit money into your account. The waiter’s got a bland excuse for the delay in bringing out the main course, but a more interesting one to explain the hair in the mashed potatoes. And your local government is fully stocked with excuse-mongering. In Johannesburg, the rain is blamed for our traffic lights spontaneously expiring. Apparently, we’ve lost the ability to forecast the seasons… such as summer… the rainy one; and the ability to use insulation tape! The office is no stranger to excuses. Your boss has some scheming excuse for you not being promoted, marketing has an excuse for overspending their budget on promotional memory sticks and HR collect excuses like they do promotional memory sticks. But the excuse kings are your colleagues in IT. Given the high rate of IT project failure, network outages, system shutdowns and just trying to get something to print, these guys need excuses, and several of them, ready at even the slightest hint of Windows unexpectedly shutting down. So here’s my Top Ten List of Excuses IT People Use Every Chance They Get:

If you’re experiencing IT issues, I’d suggest you share by posting a comment or sending me a mail at diary@jeetesh.net but the internet’s probably down.

When Jeetesh isn’t rebooting, he’s available as a keynote, conference and after-dinner speaker.

Pedro The Reluctant Mexican Management Consultant

Dear readers, friends, family, concerned parents and the Village People

I am happy to announce that after a month of riotous laughter, excessive pointing and general ridicule, all at my expense, Movember is almost over! I can’t wait! It has been a very, very long month and I can’t contain the enthusiasm with which I will remove this pushbroom of a mo. That said, I think I will still need to exercise a little care and attention when removing the offending lip sweater this Thursday morning. Generally speaking, enthusiasm and razors shouldn’t mix, unless you’ve been suckered into watching a Twilight movie, in which case, go crazy.

Having a built-in soup strainer does come with consequences and the majority of these aren’t positive. People that you’ve known for years, that love and care for you, will not hesitate in telling you exactly how they feel. My own mother laughed uncontrollably for several minutes when she saw my ‘tache one week in! I surprised my eldest sister on Facetime and think I frightened her. She may have reported me to Homeland Security. One friend told me that I look ten years older and that she can’t take me seriously while I have the lipwarmer in place. And one of my best friends has warned me that it must be removed before I visit them in Cape Town, fearing that I’ll scare the children. Having just looked in a mirror, her concerns are very valid. No small child wants to be haunted by visions of an Indian Magnum PI.

And that brings me to the name calling, of which there has been plenty. Pablo, the Columbian drug dealer, seems to have been a popular choice. But given my recent sombrero-wearing and tequila-drinking, Pedro might just be sneaking into the lead. My fellow mo bros will concur that a lot of the abuse has taken the theme of pornstars, notably from the 70’s. So, naturally, when it comes to me, the theme has been extended to that of Bollywood Porn Star. Which got me thinking, what would a Bollywood porn movie be like…? I imagine exactly the same as regular porn, but with no kissing and a lot more singing and dancing. If you can picture a naked Indian man, wobbling his head from side to side, going “Who’s your daddy?” then you can agree that being thought of as a Bollywood Porn Star is very worrying indeed.

But, in a disturbing sort of way, I have become a little accustomed to my flavour-saviour. I find myself daydreaming about starting a revolution, while patiently stroking the mo. I now speak in drawn-out sentences, laced with an English accent that should all seemingly end in the words “… Mr Bond”. I’ve also taken to saying “Who’s your daddy” in an Indian accent as often as I can. The lady in front of me in the queue at the Post Office was kind enough to answer – it’s Russell apparently.

I can’t say that this has been a personally worthwhile endeavour, but an entertaining one nonetheless. We got to raise some money for cancer research which is nice, but more importantly, one of my colleagues who shaved his mo prematurely will be having lunch with us this Friday, in the company canteen, wearing only a Speedo. Talk about scaring the children!

If you’d like to start a revolution (berets and red t-shirts excluded), post a comment or send me a mail at diary@jeetesh.net

When Jeetesh isn’t frightening small children and people in HR, he’s available as a keynote, conference and after-dinner speaker.

The was a time when telling people about the number of floppies you've had was a good thing...

In an effort to complete my tax return on time, I contacted several of my financial service providers, trying to get copies of my tax certificates. One provider caused me great concern. First, the call agent asked if I have a fax number. I said no. I also mentioned that I don’t have a cassette player, but she didn’t seem to get it. Then she asked me how would I prefer to get my tax certificate: by fax or by e-mail. Seeing that I had already mentioned that I don’t have a fax machine, I patiently replied that e-mail would be fine. And here’s where the concern comes – she said that’s unfortunate because if I had requested the fax, she’d send it immediately, but seeing that I asked for e-mail, that takes at least 48 hours! My word – it takes 48 hours to send an e-mail, but faxing is immediate? I can only imagine that’s they’re printing my tax certificate on a printing press, taking a photograph of it, developing the film, scanning the picture and then e-mailing the image to me and even then, that apparently takes two days! And these chimps are managing my money! After I calmed down and asked my financial planner to look at an alternate provider, I realised that like the fax machine, there must be other things in the office that are redundant, obsolete and are now quite pointless. Here’s what I came up with:

• The memo
• The portable CD writer
• The briefcase
• The overhead projector
• A map book
• CD installation discs
• Remembering phone numbers
• The dot matrix printer
• Travel agents
• The phone book
• A paper payslip
• White out (Tipex if you’re South African)
• Personalised, handwritten thank you letters
• Personalised, handwritten redundancy letters
• Lehman Brothers

If you have any other suggestions of things that are obsolete in the office – and I don’t mean Delores in reception – leave a comment or send me a mail at diary@jeetesh.net

When Jeetesh completing his tax return, he’s available as a keynote, conference and after-dinner speaker.