The Diary of a Reluctant Management Consultant

The world's most annoying sports tournament comes to South Africa.

There are only ten days left until the start of the largest sporting event in the world, the 2010 Soccer World Cup. Yes, the excitement is building, as this means there are only 41 days left until the end of the largest sporting event in the world.  Please don’t get me wrong, I’m as thrilled as the next guy about the World Cup being hosted in South Africa, particularly in my home town of Johannesburg… as long as the next guy happens to be a cynical, crabby, consultant concerned about the impact of a soccer tournament on his billable hours, project schedule and his ability to make it to drinks at News Café next Friday afternoon. Let’s be honest here, all we have ahead of us is four weeks of a bunch of guys kicking a ball around.

Like British Petroleum, for South African businesses, the next month will be a complete write-off. All I hear in the canteen, in meetings and disciplinary hearings is what games people are going to, which fan parks they’ll be visiting and which pub they’re planning on waking up in the next morning. How anyone’s going to make it to work in any sort of productive state is beyond me. Absenteeism will no doubt rise and dodgy doctors will be writing dubious medical certificates, informing employers of mysterious illnesses that are only prevalent for a day. During the 2002 World Cup, a senior manager of the client we were consulting to, at least had the foresight to take the day off every time Italy played. We raised this as a concern with the client as we needed heaps of his time… well, just enough to determine that he was redundant and could be replaced by a machine. Fortunately, Italy didn’t make it very far that year. Co-incidentally, neither did he.

The forecast of receiving over 200,000 international visitors (down from an initial 500,000, which sounds suspiciously like Arthur Anderson did the numbers) does mean that business travel in the country will be severely curtailed. So, the joy of leaving for the airport, getting stuck in traffic, fighting for parking, pushing grannies out of your way to make it to your gate on time, only to find out that your flight has been delayed by a volcano, will have to wait for another four weeks.

Of course, getting around town will be equally challenging. Firstly, due to FIFA’s own making, because they say FIFA will take one lane of every major highway in each host city for their exclusive use. That’s great, but how will they stop our beloved minibus taxis from taking one lane from FIFA for their exclusive use? Secondly, traffic will be hampered by the Johannesburg Metro Council itself, as they have a particular knack of doing things at the most inopportune times. For example, last week they choose to hang up the competing countries’ flags on lamp posts, at 16:30, during peak hour traffic. That makes sense doesn’t it? Bring the entire highway to a grinding halt by putting up flimsy flags. Some of the flags have fallen off already, which means I’m probably going to struggle to get to News Café this Friday too!

While I grumble about the World Cup messing with my routine, soccer players are arriving en masse and are being whisked away to fancy five star hotels, where they may just want to store their valuables in the hotel-provided safes (you know, just in case). And while fans are painting their faces in anticipation, FIFA are preparing sue small children for playing soccer in the street and attempting to trademark the word ‘fun’!

As part of my ongoing quest to give you new,  interesting and exciting ways to procrastinate at work, I’ve made a downloadable version of your horoscope. Thanks for the feedback, I’m only too glad to assist in mapping out the rest of  your working year. I’ll have to consultant the stars again at the beginning of 2011 (it’s so difficult to get an appointment) and prognosticate what the new year will bring to us all. I’m sensing higher inflation, more regulation of financial markets and the Germans upholding the ban on naked shorts, covered longs and Speedos. Here it is:

Zodiac Guide v03

I’ve you’re having a bad day, someone’s parked in your parking bay, the coffee machine’s broken or have you a 9am meeting to discuss Loss Given Defaults, then breath, relax and visit my Coffee Break page. Enjoy!

This laptop is much sexier than the new one I've just received.

As part of the eternal office equipment depreciation cycle, I’m now ambivalent to report that I have a new laptop. Most people would be excited to get a new laptop, but no, not me. This is because it’s a work laptop. I have my personal laptop, which I use for watching marginally legal episodes of Dexter, trying to figure out where to put my stop losses (and in today’s market, this is essential) and playing Spider Solitaire. Getting a new personal laptop is very exciting, because it means new gadgets, new games and new ways to procrastinate faster. But a new work laptop affords you no such opportunity.

However, this is not the real reason why I’m not too thrilled to get a new laptop. What I really fear is the process of having to move everything off my old laptop and onto the new one! One, it’s always a saga, two, something is bound to go wrong and three, it means interacting with a special – and I really do mean “special” – group of people: IT Support.

These unique individuals are known by a variety of names across organisations: the Helpdesk, Desktop Support, LAN Admin, Hobbits, that sort of thing, but they’re all the same. No matter what organisation you go to, like HR, they are equally flaky. Previously, LAN Admin guys were very easy to spot: dishevelled, shorts-sleeved shirt with a tie and generally pale in complexion as a result of spending far too much time indoors playing World of Warcraft… on the office network in the evenings. But now they just seem to be getting younger and younger and consequentially, are dressing more and more like the Jonas Brothers. Last week I thought Adam Lambert came to give me my new laptop rather than a nerdy guy from IT! Better dressed and with more hair gel hair than the cast of Jersey Shore, they still giggle when asking if they can “mount your hard drive”.

But first you need to get an IT elf to your actual desk to set-up everything and then transfer your old stuff to your new machine. Sounds straightforward enough doesn’t it? How naive! I asked the Justin Bieber lookalike if he knew what he was doing and he assured me that he did! He said I shouldn’t be afraid of his youth because he’s been working with computers since he was six. Well, that’s ten, solid years of IT experience that I can’t argue with. I asked if he would move all my data, all my settings, all my installed programs and my precious Teambuilding 2008 photos seamlessly and without incident. Again, he was as confident as 2001’s Ricky Martin was of his sexuality. I then handcuffed him to the desk because if there’s one thing I’ve learnt over the years is that IT Support guys will find any flimsy excuse to run away and not finish the job. Make them sit at your desk, get everything done and then test it before you let them go – they can always watch the latest Hannah Montana episode later.

Now some of you might accuse me of gender bias because I’ve only used the masculine to describe the IT elves. In my experience the vast majority have been of the male persuasion. With the exception of Simone – the sexiest LAN Admin ever to walk the earth. How she ever got into IT we have no idea, but we were all eternally grateful. She wasn’t very good at fixing our computers, but she was a ray of gorgeous sunshine in our otherwise dull and dreary days. It got so bad that we’d delete random files off our machines just to get her to our desks to “help”. I don’t know where the lovely Simone is these days, but I’d volunteer to get a new laptop every day if she was at the company I’m at today…

Wasn't this the poster for "Clash of the Titans"?

Taurus

You will try to print today, but the rings of Saturn will cause the paper to evaporate and the toner to run out. Once you’ve stolen some spare paper from another department’s printer, it will jam. This is called printer karma. You won’t find new toner in time, so you’ll be forced to print anyway, resulting in everyone in your meeting squinting like Gabrielle as they try to read the really feint fine print.

Gemini

Today you will encounter an exciting opportunity to pursue a new career at an alternate organisation – you’ll be laid off. Don’t steal any stationery on your way out.

Cancer

It is unfortunate that your star sign shares its name with a potentially life-threatening disease. This probably means that you’re in need of a tonic. Might I suggest a gin and tonic, with lots of ice and a slice of lemon?

Leo

There is much appetite for risk in your life. Seize this opportunity by purchasing a CDO (Collateralised Debt Obligation) from Goldman Sachs.

Virgo

Self-promotion is the key as you apply for a new job. Tell them that you love a challenge, that you’re a team player that excels by working on your own and that your only weakness is being a perfectionist. They’ll think the Sun shines out of Uranus… astrologically speaking of course.

Libra

It is important that you strive for balance in your life. This is not due to working too hard, spending too much time in the office or an insatiable drive to succeed, but rather because it appears you have an inner ear problem.

Scorpio

The stars are forecasting money in your future. Unfortunately, due to an unplanned IT outage, the stars are unable to estimate the quantity of money, when it will be coming to you and whether it is tax deductible or not. The stars apologise for any inconvenience caused, our stellar technicians are attending to the problem.

Sagittarius

A feeling of déjà-vu will come over you as you’re asked to redo your budget. A feeling of déjà-vu will come over you as you’re asked to redo your budget.

Capricorn

You are going places! Your department will be moving today to the basement… also known as the Dungeon… colloquially of course. However, it’s dark, damp and lonely down there and you’ll always have a sense of imprisonment as that’s where the external auditors sit.

Aquarius

You put the Alpha in Alpha Centauri! You’re number one, which can only mean one thing: a promotion! This may just mean the addition of ‘Deputy’, ‘Assistant’ or ‘Supervisor’ to your existing title, but if you’re lucky, it may mean all three. A nominal increase is in order, but this will push you into a higher tax bracket, resulting in your net income actually falling. Congratulations!

Pisces

Nausea is rising, so don’t have the fish in the canteen.

Aries

Do not take anything for granted, especially from a guy named Grant. Beware of Greeks bearing gifts, especially if they’re junk bonds. Look before you leap, particularly if you’re on a beach near the Gulf of Mexico. Avoid all generalisations.

If Today’s Your Birthday

You’re probably wondering why you haven’t achieved half the goals you set last year. The stars are wondering too. But good news for today, you’re destined to bring cake for the ungrateful people in your office. You’ll unsuccessfully scour the building for side plates, spoons, serviettes and a knife, resulting in having to cut the cake with a plastic fork and serve it on paper liberated from the printer.

How to succeed in business using only PowerPoint and shadow puppets...

My fellow consultants and I have very different views on Microsoft PowerPoint. Some love it and will use it at every opportunity. This group will type their shopping lists in a bulleted text box; they’ll use it for agendas, ensuring that every agenda item will “fly in” from the right and, quite sadly, will show you their holiday photos in a slide presentation. Others loathe it and will desperately avoid using PowerPoint as much as a conservative accountant steering clear of suspense accounts. As with the latter, it’s regarded as being a necessary evil. I’ve often thought of accountants as being a necessary evil, but that’s the topic of another blog to come.

I’ve been euthanised far too many times by PowerPoint presentations. Who amongst us has not quickly glanced at the number of slides in a presentation and smashed your head on the boardroom table, hoping that a concussion might get you excused? But, I must confess, PowerPoint does have its uses and just between you and me, I actually enjoy using it. It’s not as exciting as Excel, but then again, what office software product is?  So, here then is my top ten list of things I like about PowerPoint: