Friday afternoons are seldom associated with work. Surfing the net, doodling, staring at random spreadsheets, long lunches and Friday afternoon drinks perhaps, but seldom work. So it was a pleasant surprise when several massage therapists arrived on our floor, offering free stress relief massages! They came from a company called Hands On Healing. At first, I thought they were part of a Pentecostal ministry here to cast out evil spirits, heal the infirm and bless the poor in spirit, in which case they were in the right place. They did offer to “lay their hands on us”, but were in fact referring to a simple shoulder and neck massage conducted conveniently in your un-ergonomic office chair. Apparently, someone felt that stress levels were too high and the only solution was massages at your desk. Must be the same person who gave us ‘stress level monitoring’ fridge magnets – I kid you not, I still have mine!
I can’t vouch for stress levels being high or not, but there certainly has been an increase in vending-machine-rage, much gnashing of teeth because we’ve run out of sugar in the kitchen (which you only realise once you’ve made your coffee) and a dramatic escalation in ‘stress level monitoring’ fridge magnet vandalism. But it does beg the question whether deskbound massages are the answer? Indeed, there are many solutions to workplace stress. Feel free to try any of the following ideas which have been suggested by colleagues, HR people and my attorney, for some bizarre reason:
Meditation – an exercise intended to empty the mind (easier for some), focus one’s thoughts and foster contemplation and relaxation. It’s also a great way to sleep during office hours.
Reiki – involves transferring warm, healing energy through the palms that can assist with reducing anxiety and depression but not hangovers. It’s always handy to have a Reiki master around the office… you know… just in case the microwave breaks down – they’re great for warming leftovers!
Breathing – deep and concentrated breathing can assist with lowering your pulse, giving you a sense of control and reducing those stress levels. It’s so quick and easy, you can even do it in the elevator. Unless of course some idiot gets in and takes the lift up only one floor, in which case, for stress relief purposes, feel free to punch them in the face. You’ll feel much better.
Yoga – a useful technique for controlling the mind and the body… on a mat. Don’t try Bikram Yoga because this requires the room to be heated to 40 degrees Centigrade, which might annoy some of the other people sitting on your floor.
Exercise – take a brisk walk at lunchtime. It’ll have to be brisk considering the number of muggings round the building…
Start a stress journal – this can help you identify your stressors, helping you recognise patterns and common themes, such as having to write something every day in stupid, annoying journal.
The other option is to take a long bath, light some scented candles, put on some chilled music and curl up with a good book. This may not be possible in your cubicle.
If you’ve got any suggestions for coping with stress at the office, let me know at diary@jeetesh.net
SWOT analyis, not just a 'tick in the box' exercise
The annoying thing about people who’ve just completed their MBAs, some obscure certification or random training course, is that when they return to work they enthusiastically, but naively, want to implement everything they’ve just leant by next Thursday. Colleagues just back from the “Manage More Effective Meetings” course want to have agendas for any meeting including the one we had to decide what we’re wearing for Steve’s fancy dress party next weekend. I was chastised for not “speaking through the Chairperson” when I called dibs on Batman. Nervous, shy types just back from “Assertiveness Training” want to say no to everything to avoid being taken advantage of. I’ve just come up with a clever way to stop the nervous, shy types from coming to Steve’s fancy dress: ask them! They’re now obliged to say no! How assertive they are!
But recently, I’ve noticed that everyone back from training courses and MBA classes all want to do SWOT analyses. It’s as if they’ve run out of analysis tools to teach, so lecturers are just giving up after Chapter One and leaving it at SWOT. For those of you that don’t have a business degree, been to the company training facility or got your job as a result of nepotism, SWOT is an analysis tool, used to evaluate the relative Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities and Threats of a particular strategy, situation or choice. So, armed with only this tool, every Huey, Dewey, and Louie wants to do a SWOT at every opportunity. If they could complete a SWOT analysis on the usage of Post-It notes in the office they would. When the only tool you have is a hammer…
So I’ve decided to do a SWOT analysis of doing a SWOT analysis:
Strengths
Weaknesses
Ingenious way to waste an hour or two, under the guise of soliciting ideas and encouraging participation, even though you’ve made a decision already.
Great way to answer MBA assignments that specify the length of response required: draw a square that takes up a whole page and then fill in each SWOT heading as briefly as you please.
Volunteer the person with the neatest writing to record the analysis on the flipchart, leaving you free to nap at the back of the room. Ask them to use different colours for each section.
As with self-appraisals, the list of strengths is usually quite delusional but makes for a very entertaining read.
Not wanting to go against the group, preface anything that should go in this section with “I’m just playing devil’s advocate here…”
Everything’s anecdotal; the guests on Oprah could have produced a similar effort.
There’s always very little to say in this section…
Opportunities
Threats
This is where the marketers go bananas.
Realism often goes out the window in this section.
Someone will try to equate the problem being solved with things Thomas Edison, Einstein or Helen Keller have overcome, even if the problem is drafting a new promotional brochure for the company’s medical aid.
It gives the office empty vessel an opportunity to sprout vacuous drivel for an hour.
Someone’s probably going to lose the flipchart paper, meaning we’re going to have make it all up again for the PowerPoint presentation to senior management.
Boredom. Are we finished with this yet?
On completion, you may need to go out and do some proper analysis.
South Africans unite to support Ghana against Uruguay, but only until next weeks's planned xenophobia
We’ve been preparing for the Soccer World Cup since 2004 and in just four short weeks, it’s now all over. Sort of like Guns ‘n Roses long-awaited “new” album, Chinese Democracy but far more successful. I’ve been fortunate enough to go to four games, visit a couple of fan parks and get held up at 06:45 on the M1 South by Joe Biden’s cavalcade. But now that it’s over and done with, it’s time to reflect on what are the top ten things I learnt from the 2010 Soccer World Cup:
10.
Paris Hilton loves South Africa, The Grill House and Katzy’s, Port Elizabeth and marijuana, but not necessarily in that order.
9.
The predication (stick to soccer Gary Bailey) that productivity would plummet during the World Cup because we’d be sitting in hideous traffic jams all day did not materialise. Productivity did plummet but rather because we were sitting in front of the TV all day, compelled to watch arbitrary, tedious games such as Paraguay vs. Japan. It ended in a draw. I know, I watched the highlights too.
8.
The new stadiums are positively spectacular. Moses Mabhida is stunning and so is the stadium… Green Point is all about location, location, location. And Soccer City is a blinking, sparkling gem. Unlike the Athens Olympics in 2004, which still had “Wet Paint” signs up during the opening ceremony, ours were completed in good time, so well done Group 5, Murray & Roberts and the numerous other local contractors that are obviously more reliable than all the other builders I’ve ever met.
7.
South Africa implemented special World Cup courts to swiftly mete out justice to thieving hotel staff, lost English reporters and former Playboy Playmates. Any chance we could keep these courts for local criminals seeing that we do have a little bit of a pre-existing crime problem?
6.
While I’m not averse to paying a little extra for a refreshingly different international beer, paying R30 for a Budweiser is extortion. Before the start of a game, we bought two beers each which, after finishing the first one, brought a smile to our faces because we didn’t need to brave the long queues to get another. But our good cheer didn’t last very long when we remembered that all we had left was Budweiser!
5.
The rather poorly named Park Station has very little parking. My car was carefully watched on two evenings by Moses the homeless guy and Organiser the car guard. My car is going for a complete valet next week as I’m convinced Moses may have urinated on the front right tyre.
4.
Sport sponsorship is a bit of a lottery. Just ask Nike, Adidas and Puma after Rooney, Ronaldo and Messi were knocked out of the tournament. On the other hand, the makers of girly headbands might have missed a phenomenal marketing opportunity…
3.
Who would have thought that a cheap, plastic horn innocuously called a vuvuzela would cause such a stir. European audiences and commentators were incensed, driven bonkers by the monotone drone that is apparently an integral part of South African soccer culture. I just love the fact that German World Cup viewers called their broadcasters to complain that there clearly a problem with the transmission as there was this constant, annoying noise that they kept hearing while watching the soccer. We’re now exporting more vuvuzelas than wooden giraffes! Too bad they’re all made in China.
2.
South African public servants love soccer, so much so that that they spent in excess of R110 million on World Cup tickets. Sorry if we couldn’t build you a hospital or a school, but how could we possibly pass up on an opportunity to see the mighty Honduras draw against the dull Swiss?
1.
Soccer involves a lot of falling, kicking, screaming, rolling around, crying, hugging and patting each other on the backside, which means that if you’re beginning to miss watching the World Cup, try an episode of Dancing with the Stars instead.
Having been a member of two Toastmasters Clubs before – one at university where we may have drunk more wine than we spoke and the other at Nedbank, it was my pleasure to speak at the 2010 Toastmaster’s “Laduma” Maxicon Conference, held at Gold Reef City. Here’s a quick clip:
