I Owe, I Owe, It’s Back to Work I Go
"The weather was fantastic!"
The first week back at the office can, quite possibly, be the most frustrating of the year. The reasons are many and varied but can usually be traced to the clash of the idiots (like me) who worked over the festive season and the lucky schmucks who took leave and went on holiday. As the holiday-makers pour back into the office with their relaxed demeanours, golden tans and childlike, optimistic attitudes, they are met by a small group of disgruntled, envious, aggravated and pale pessimists.
Everywhere you go in the office a shiny, happy person wants to tell you what they did over the holidays and those who lurked around the office over this time are eager to justify why the chose to work while the rest of the country was at the coast trying to get sand out of their nether regions. The result is the same, numbingly dull and repetitive conversation had at the vending machine, in the lift and even at the urinal, despite the unwritten urinal “absolutely no conversation unless you’re absolutely drunk” rule. But there’s very little straight talk in these conversations; the truth is carefully hidden from view. Take for example some of the things that the vacationers regularly sprout forth:
|
What They Say |
What They Mean |
| It was just great to get away… no e-mails, no cellphones… | The wife flushed my Blackberry down the toilet. |
| The weather was fantastic! | It rained. |
| It was great to spend some quality time with the family. | We fought every day. |
| The place we rented was fabulous. Quaint, great views and it’s practically on the beach. | We stayed in a hole. It was the size of milk carton, surrounded by high-rise holiday apartments and you’re at the beach after a short bus ride and a twenty minute walk, collapsing under the weight of your umbrellas, cooler boxes and fold-out chairs. |
| I didn’t even think about the office! | I fished my Blackberry out the toilet and used the wife’s hairdryer to try resuscitate it, in a vain attempt to check my mail. |
And here’s a little sample of what the poor, unfortunate, self-appointed martyrs have to say:
|
What They Say |
What They Mean |
| There wasn’t any traffic on the roads so coming to work was an absolute pleasure! | My life’s so empty that I’m genuinely excited when I get to work quicker and earlier. |
| It’s so quiet in the office and without all those interruptions I can be so productive! | I went for three hour lunches every day. |
| I got to catch up on all my admin! | I was bored, had nothing to do and ended up counting the number of ceiling tiles above my cubicle to pass the time. |
| I found some time to quietly contemplate my goals and objectives for the new year. | I found that if I lean back in my chair I can see another five more ceiling tiles. |
| I’m planning on taking leave in February when it’s quieter. | I have a social phobia and can’t stand crowds or people enjoying themselves. |
That’s right; the first week back at the office is filled with boring people telling you boring stories of the boring things they did on their boring holidays. And when you eventually make it back to the office, you’re met with some idiot parking in your parking spot; your access card doesn’t work because Security re-set them on 1 January and you can’t log on because you’ve forgotten your password.
But it’s good to be back at the office – I was running low on Post-It notes and besides, I was cut-off by a dunce in an Audi this morning, so at least things are back to normal.
Damn this was funny – I was sitting through work thinking a similar thing when everybody was relaying to me all their holiday activities.