Top Ten Things I’ve Learnt from My Trip to the USA
One should not consume a portion of popcorn that requires a container large enough to fit your head in!
Having just returned from my first trip to the USA a little heavier, a little poorer and a little jet-lagged, I’ve taken some time to reflect on my journey. Here’s what I learnt over the last two weeks:
| 10. | When at the movies, order the kids size Coke and popcorn. A “regular” sized drink is enough to water a garden and the adult size popcorn is so big, it comes in a bag the size of a small child. In fact, you might even consider buying a kids size bag of popcorn for your bag of popcorn, just in case it gets peckish during the movie. |
| 9. | Customer service people generally appear to want to know how you’re doing and genuinely seem to hope that you will really and truly enjoy your day. The South African response is usually to punch said customer service person in the face for being so inquisitive. |
| 8. | Please take note South African banks: the American bank branches I visited are open from 09:00 to 18:00 on weekdays and for some branches, on Saturdays from 09:00 to 16:00. They don’t seem to have a need to rush home to watch soap operas. |
| 7. | Paying for anything that costs less than $40 with a $50 note will arouse great suspicion, sometimes even requiring a supervisor’s approval before payment is accepted. People in the queue behind you will glance nervously in your direction, whisper amongst themselves and give you a little more room in case you need to make a quick getaway. This seemed strange to me until I worked it out that a $50 note is like having a R380 note, which now explains the consternation behind the counter at McDonalds when I tried to pay for my Happy Meal… |
| 6. | The staff at the Apple store get a little annoyed when you refer to everything prefixed with an ‘i” – e.g. iRestroom, iCredit Card, iWrapping Paper, etc. Now they know how I feel! |
| 5. | My stand-up comedy routine about me cutting the cheese in my dad’s shop is doubly funny because in the US “cutting the cheese” is a euphemism for farting. |
| 4. | Leaving the US is a lot easier than getting in. Getting into the US involves forms and photos, proof of employment and income, interviews and interrogations, fingerprinting and frisking… and that’s just to get a reservation at “The French Laundry” (the restaurant, not the laundry). Leaving the US is as complicated as a cursory glance at your passport and boarding pass, a pat on the back and an invitation to join the airlines’ frequent flyer program. |
| 3. | Stay away from people who’ve just ordered a venti Starbucks coffee – they’re very jumpy. You would too if you need to drink 591ml coffee in one go! |
| 2. | People handing out free samples really want you try their free samples. The South African response is usually to punch such a person in the face for trying to get us to do something that we quite clearly don’t want to do because that might imply that we’re actually interesting in buying the product on offer. Visit any Makro liquor outlet on a Saturday morning and you’ll see what I mean. You can drink six glasses of wine and four shots of spirits from “tasting” tables alone without even buying as much as a corkscrew. This is for your information, not an invitation… |
| 1. | Enforcing the minimum legal drinking age of 21 seems to be taken very seriously in the US. I was asked for ID twice. I admire their enthusiasm but I am 35. |
