Not Quite In the Office
"I'm not asleep, I'm just typing really, really carefully."
After two weeks of jet-setting, I can’t say that I’m entirely thrilled to be back at the office again. ‘Underwhelmed’ might be a better description of how I feel, however that may just be the jet lag. I was confident that I would have shrugged off the effects of jet lag by now. Sadly, I’m still struggling to fall asleep at a reasonable hour and am now trying to bore myself to blissful slumber by watching CNBC at one in the morning. On the bright side though, there are some very interesting programs about dinosaurs at that time on the National Geographic channel. The other understandable but bizarre side effect of jet lag is that I find myself getting really hungry at four in the afternoon, which now makes dinner at eight feel like the midnight munchies! The good news is that the Academy Awards ceremony is being broadcast tonight, so I should be fast asleep by about 19:45.
Getting back to work can be a very traumatic experience indeed. Firstly, the traffic jolts you back to reality as you realise that while you’ve been partying it up elsewhere, everyone else has been engaging in morning skirmishes, just trying to get to their place of work on time and one piece. Just thirty minutes into your journey and you’re already cussing, flipping the bird and brandishing your firearms (Joburg drivers only)… and that’s just to your kids in the back seat.
If the team that you work with is a group of motivated, intelligent and mature individuals, then they probably did not mobilise in your absence to perpetrate a grand, practical joke at your expense. Given that I’m the one uncomfortably adjusting people’s office chairs when they leave their desks it was to be expected that I would be the victim for a change. So it was unsurprising to see all the contents of my cubicle relocated to the previously empty cubicle behind me. I was impressed by the attention to detail because they moved everything, including my pot plant John Kenneth Galbraith, and re-assembled the whole lot in the new cubicle, in exactly the same, obsessive compulsive way that I usually arrange my cubicle. Of course, it would have been far more impressive if they reconstructed my cubicle in the foyer of the building, the car park or the canteen. Amateurs! Perhaps I shouldn’t have included that genius idea here, because guess where I my cubicle’s going to be the next time I go on holiday?
The next reality check, the final nail in the coffin that was your delightful holiday, is to turn off your Out of Office Assistant. I don’t know why Microsoft calls it an “Assistant”. Maybe they’re seeing “Assistant” in the same context as Assisted Suicide? I could be wrong. But there are few things more depressing than having to click on the option “I am currently In the Office”. I’ve always felt that to be far too brief and not completely explaining my thoughts on the subject. If at all possible, I’d prefer to go with “It is with a heavy heart and an absent mind that I return to the office. I’ve only been back thirty minutes and I already have a headache. The throbbing of my head is matched only by my general state of lethargy, ambivalence and ennui. But other than that, it’s great to be back.”
Your first meeting back is like a splash of ice cold water in the face! Last week you could take minutes to decide what TV channel to watch at eleven in the morning; now you’re just taking minutes. Last week, communicating with people consisted of checking my text messages. This week it entails reading 363 new e-mail messages, returning far too many voicemails and meeting with people who need to update you on all that’s happened in the last two weeks, including who’s resigned, who’s joined, why we’re now over budget and a comprehensive review of the new stationery requisition form.
And finally, last week my ‘To Do’ list had one item on it, “Enjoy holiday”. Well, two if you count “Annoy sales people at the Apple shop”. This week, item 97 is “Plan next holiday”!
