Top Ten Ways to Annoy Soccer Fans at Work
Wanted for facepainting
I’m finding it very difficult to get anything useful done at the office. And seeing that I bill by the hour, this is proving to be as annoying as a VIP convoy bludgeoning its way through peak hour traffic (being late for a soccer game isn’t an emergency). Team members are taking leave every second day to watch soccer games, attendance at my meetings is falling as people leave work early, despite me offering to brand only three people per meeting as work-shy lazy bastards (WLBs) and those that do make it to the meetings arrive late, offering flimsy excuses like “We were stuck in traffic”. Apparently, while stuck in traffic this group of WLBs were attacked by a gang of Argentineans fans who mercilessly painted the Argentinean flag on their faces. Given this complete abandonment of responsibility, I’ve decided to exact my own revenge as only a reluctant management consultant can. So, here are my Top Ten Ways to Annoy Soccer Fans at Work:
| 10. | Start by cancelling people’s leave. Then offer a “compromise” by insisting that the person complete all of their deliverables before they leave. They’ll work frantically, you’ll get what you want and they’ll even thank you for being kind enough to let them have the day off. Now that’s what I call win-win! |
| 9. | Tell people that they shouldn’t expect to progress very far in the organisation if they insist on dressing so unprofessionally. Do this on Football Fridays. |
| 8. | Schedule a performance appraisal at 16:30, just before the Brazil vs. Portugal kick off. Allude to a potential bonus to ensure that the football nut attends. If he doesn’t then at least you have a handy excuse not to give him a bonus. Failing to attend your own performance appraisal is a serious matter indeed. |
| 7. | Everyone who misses work over the next few weeks has to attend a compulsory Basel II refresher training course, not forgetting the mandatory four hour, Friday afternoon competence assessment. |
| 6. | Anyone caught blowing a vuvuzela during office hours will be sent to man European broadcasters’ call centres, fielding calls from their boring viewers complaining about the incessant drone of the vuvuzelas heard during soccer matches. |
| 5. | Try the ever reliable fire drill. People who aren’t at the assembly point and whose whereabouts can’t be verified because they’re attending a soccer match will be assumed to have perished in the “fire” and will be deleted off the payroll system. These individuals will have to reapply for their positions. |
| 4. | Switch off all the TVs in the building. People are very compliant; very few of the herd will think to just switch them back on again. |
| 3. | Allow access to Facebook, YouTube and Twitter for just a day. Once word spreads, droves will climb on the internet, trying to take advantage of this momentary lapse of corporate reason. Then, on days of your choosing, discipline staff members for accessing unauthorised sites during work hours. Savour the irony by recording these disciplinary hearings and posting them YouTube. |
| 2. | Replace Football Fridays with You’ve Been Made Redundant Mondays, followed by Time to Work Tuesdays, Whine to HR Wednesdays, Tell Someone Who Cares Thursdays, You’re Fired Fridays and my personal favourite, Guess Who’s Working This Weekend Saturdays and Sundays! |
| 1. | Armed with a leather folder and wearing a suit and a tie, walk up to groups of people sitting in pause areas watching the soccer and ask them for their employee numbers. This works really well in retail banks, government departments and France. |
