The Diary of a Reluctant Management Consultant

It has come to my attention that this month is interim performance appraisal month. I became aware of it when I received an invitation to my interim performance appraisal meeting. We all know your rating was already decided weeks ago, after you finished some random task or said something irrelevant in a meeting that either made your boss think you’re the company champion or the fifth floor’s village idiot.

I’m finding it very difficult to get anything useful done at the office. And seeing that I bill by the hour, this is proving to be as annoying as a VIP convoy bludgeoning its way through peak hour traffic (being late for a soccer game isn’t an emergency). Team members are taking leave every second day to watch soccer games, attendance at my meetings is falling as people leave work early, despite me offering to brand only three people per meeting as work-shy lazy bastards (WLBs) and those that do make it to the meetings arrive late, offering flimsy excuses like “We were stuck in traffic”. Apparently, while stuck in traffic this group of WLBs were attacked by a gang of Argentineans fans who mercilessly painted the Argentinean flag on their faces. Given this complete abandonment of responsibility, I’ve decided to exact my own revenge as only a reluctant management consultant can. So, here are my Top Ten Ways to Annoy Soccer Fans at Work

I have no doubt that many of you dear readers are serious-minded, rational, focused businessmen and women that are finding this whole World Cup thing to be a distraction at best and an immense productivity drain at worst. If you went to the bank at 15:00 last Friday afternoon, I doubt you would have found anyone to greet you, let alone help you. Now, I know that this is very similar to your usual Friday afternoon banking experience, but look on the bright side, at least the queues were shorter. FIFA and the South African government assure us that the World Cup isn’t just some frivolous soccer tournament meant to fill the coffers of FIFA and the South African government, but rather it will be a boon to the local economy. So far all the economic benefits that I’ve seen are the following

With only four sleeps to go until the start of the Soccer World Cup, tourists from all over the world are making their way to South Africa, eager to follow their teams through this beautiful country of ours. But South Africa is not your regular, run-of-the-mill-we-have-public-transport-and-electricity countries. So, as a service to all the visitors arriving this week, here are my top tips for the month ahead

There are only ten days left until the start of the largest sporting event in the world, the 2010 Soccer World Cup. Yes, the excitement is building, as this means there are only 41 days left until the end of the largest sporting event in the world. Please don’t get me wrong, I’m as thrilled as the next guy about the World Cup being hosted in South Africa, particularly in my home town of Johannesburg… as long as the next guy happens to be a cynical, crabby, consultant concerned about the impact of a soccer tournament on his billable hours, project schedule and his ability to make it to drinks at News Café next Friday afternoon. Let’s be honest here, all we have ahead of us is four weeks of a bunch of guys kicking a ball around.

As part of my ongoing quest to give you new, interesting and exciting ways to procrastinate at work, I’ve made a downloadable version of your horoscope. Thanks for the feedback, I’m only too glad to assist in mapping out the rest of your working year. I’ll have to consultant the stars again at the beginning of 2011 (it’s so difficult to get an appointment) and prognosticate what the new year will bring to us all. I’m sensing higher inflation, more regulation of financial markets and the Germans upholding the ban on naked shorts, covered longs and Speedos.

As part of the eternal office equipment depreciation cycle, I’m now ambivalent to report that I have a new laptop. Most people would be excited to get a new laptop, but no, not me. This is because it’s a work laptop. I have my personal laptop, which I use for watching marginally legal episodes of Dexter, trying to figure out where to put my stop losses (and in today’s market, this is essential) and playing Spider Solitaire. Getting a new personal laptop is very exciting, because it means new gadgets, new games and new ways to procrastinate faster. But a new work laptop affords you no such opportunity.

The Reluctant Management Consultant has a go at predicting your future…

My fellow consultants and I have very different views on Microsoft PowerPoint. Some love it and will use it at every opportunity. This group will type their shopping lists in a bulleted text box; they’ll use it for agendas, ensuring that every agenda item will “fly in” from the right and, quite sadly, will show you their holiday photos in a slide presentation. Others loathe it and will desperately avoid using PowerPoint as much as a conservative accountant steering clear of suspense accounts. As with the latter, it’s regarded as being a necessary evil. I’ve often thought of accountants as being a necessary evil, but that’s the topic of another blog to come.

There was a mini-carnival in office this week, as the company celebrated 50 days to the start of the 2010 Soccer World Cup. Or as I like to think of it, only 81 days to the end of the 2010 Soccer World Cup. Only fifty more days to the largest sporting event in the world or as I like to think of it, the largest traffic jam Johannesburg has ever seen. It certainly was a celebration – the marketing people went crazy.