The Big Time International Consultant Goes to San Francisco
Tuesday, February 16th, 2010
“Is there anything in your bag that you are not aware of?”
The life of a Big Time International Consultant (BTIC – a term learnt from my fellow BTIC Klaus) can become quite tedious at times. The early morning drive to the airport; the daggers being slung at you by ordinary travellers while you check-in at the Gold/Platinum/Most Valued Guest/We’re So Obsequious frequent flyer counter; the awful airline food and the fake, welcoming smiles and artificial laughs from the middle managers that you’re about to liberate of their employment. Much to my delight, there’s now a movie about us! It’s called “Up in the Air” and features George Clooney no less. It’s my movie of the year, but more importantly, it isn’t “Valentine’s Day”
Now I haven’t lived the BTIC lifestyle for a while as I’ve been busy as a Small Time Local Consultant for the last couple of years. But it was business as usual as I packed my bags in the same obsessive compulsive way that I always do and made my way to OR Tambo International, formerly Johannesburg International, formerly Jan Smuts International (take that Prince and P. Diddy)! Right now, I’m writing to you from a surprisingly warm and sunny San Francisco. Happily for residents of San Francisco, I’m here in my capacity as a stand-up comedian and not as an evil, management consultant. No one will be laid off on this trip, although I do have a few suggestions…
The first person to go would be the genius who came up with the list of security questions that you get asked when travelling internationally. My friends, family and colleagues have all told me that for the sake of getting to San Francisco without being cavity searched, I need to dispense with my usual, chipper sarcasm, cynicism and snappy answers to stupid questions. Thus, you can imagine the remarkable restraint I needed to exercise, when asked “Are these your bags?” No, they belong to a nice man with a long beard, wearing a “Death to Infidels” T-shirt and reading “Eyes and Ankles Uncut”. “Is there anything in your bag that you are not aware of?” How would I know, if I wasn’t aware of it?!? Are they not aware of the contradictory nature of the question? Is there a way of answering this question that would not offend Schrödinger and his cat?
Now, last week I predicted that given my light brown hue, I would no doubt be stopped at US Passport Control for looking “slightly terroristy”. And despite me answering the US Visa application form questions denying my participation in terrorist activities, criminal activities, genocide and being a member of the Nazi party (I promise you these are proper questions on the Visa application forms), I was asked to please step aside for further questioning. I was asked to wait in a small office with another twenty or so brown people. There was one tanned white guy, but I think he was a Basque separatist. It turns out further questioning involved asking me my profession and the industry in which I worked. I had to confess to working in banking, hoping to at least get a laugh. Before, if you answered ‘banking’ you’d be let through, under the assumption of “what’s the worst a banker can do?” Of course, we now know the answer to that questions and it’s “global economic meltdown”. I think the officer was convinced that I was harmless when he saw that I was bringing the entire Matis range of face creams for my sister. Not very terroristy.
The one person who does not deserve to be fired is Brett of Delta Airlines at Gate A13, Hartsfield-Jackson Atlanta International Airport, who managed to get me onto a later flight to San Francisco, despite snow on the ground, three cancelled flights, 86 people on stand-by and my distinct lack of frequent flyer Delta SkyMiles.
San Francisco has been great so far, the spectacular Golden Great Bridge, the teeming and entertaining Fisherman’s Wharf and the very entertaining homeless people – my favourite being the guy in the wheelchair singing Christmas carols while towing a clutch of balloons and tinsel!
The life of a Big Time International Consultant (BTIC – a term learnt from my fellow BTIC Klaus) can become quite tedious at times. The early morning drive to the airport; the daggers being slung at you by ordinary travellers while you check-in at the Gold/Platinum/Most Valued Guest/We’re So Obsequious frequent flyer counter; the awful airline food and the fake, welcoming smiles and artificial laughs from the middle managers that you’re about to liberate of their employment. Much to my delight, there’s now a movie about us! It’s called “Up in the Air” and features George Clooney no less. It’s my movie of the year, but more importantly, it isn’t “Valentine’s Day”
Now I haven’t lived the BTIC lifestyle for a while as I’ve been busy as a Small Time Local Consultant for the last couple of years. But it was business as usual as I packed my bags in the same obsessive compulsive way that I always do and made my way to OR Tambo International, formerly Johannesburg International, formerly Jan Smuts International (take that Prince and P. Diddy)! Right now, I’m writing to you from a surprisingly warm and sunny San Francisco. Happily for residents of San Francisco, I’m here in my capacity as a stand-up comedian and not as an evil, management consultant. No one will be laid off on this trip, although I do have a few suggestions…
The first person to go would be the genius who came up with the list of security questions that you get asked when travelling internationally. My friends, family and colleagues have all told me that for the sake of getting to San Francisco without being cavity searched, I need to dispense with my usual, chipper sarcasm, cynicism and snappy answers to stupid questions. Thus, you can imagine the remarkable restraint I needed to exercise, when asked “Are these your bags?” No, they belong to a nice man with a long beard, wearing a “Death to Infidels” T-shirt and reading “Eyes and Ankles Uncut”. “Is there anything in your bag that you are not aware of?” How would I know, if I wasn’t aware of it?!? Are they not aware of the contradictory nature of the question? Is there a way of answering this question that would not offend Schrödinger and his cat?
Now, last week I predicted that given my light brown hue, I would no doubt be stopped at US Passport Control for looking “slightly terroristy”. And despite me answering the US Visa application form questions denying my participation in terrorist activities, criminal activities, genocide and being a member of the Nazi party (I promise you these are proper questions on the Visa application forms), I was asked to please step aside for further questioning. I was asked to wait in a small office with another twenty or so brown people. There was one tanned white guy, but I think he was a Basque separatist. It turns out further questioning involved asking me my profession and the industry in which I worked. I had to confess to working in banking, hoping to at least get a laugh. Before, if you answered ‘banking’ you’d be let through, under the assumption of “what’s the worst a banker can do?” Of course, we now know the answer to that questions and it’s “global economic meltdown”. I think the officer was convinced that I was harmless when he saw that I was bringing the entire Matis range of face creams for my sister. Not very terroristy.
The one person who does not deserve to be fired is Brett of Delta Airlines at Gate A13, Hartsfield-Jackson Atlanta International Airport, who managed to get me onto a later flight to San Francisco, despite snow on the ground, three cancelled flights, 86 people on stand-by and my distinct lack of frequent flyer Delta SkyMiles.
San Francisco has been great so far, the spectacular Golden Great Bridge, the teeming and entertaining Fisherman’s Wharf and the very entertaining homeless people – my favourite being the guy in the wheelchair singing Christmas carols while towing a clutch of balloons and tinsel!
