The Diary of a Reluctant Management Consultant

"I'm not asleep, I'm just typing really, really carefully."

After two weeks of jet-setting, I can’t say that I’m entirely thrilled to be back at the office again. ‘Underwhelmed’ might be a better description of how I feel, however that may just be the jet lag. I was confident that I would have shrugged off the effects of jet lag by now. Sadly, I’m still struggling to fall asleep at a reasonable hour and am now trying to bore myself to blissful slumber by watching CNBC at one in the morning. On the bright side though, there are some very interesting programs about dinosaurs at that time on the National Geographic channel. The other understandable but bizarre side effect of jet lag is that I find myself getting really hungry at four in the afternoon, which now makes dinner at eight feel like the midnight munchies! The good news is that the Academy Awards ceremony is being broadcast tonight, so I should be fast asleep by about 19:45.

Getting back to work can be a very traumatic experience indeed. Firstly, the traffic jolts you back to reality as you realise that while you’ve been partying it up elsewhere, everyone else has been engaging in morning skirmishes, just trying to get to their place of work on time and one piece. Just thirty minutes into your journey and you’re already cussing, flipping the bird and brandishing your firearms (Joburg drivers only)… and that’s just to your kids in the back seat.

If the team that you work with is a group of motivated, intelligent and mature individuals, then they probably did not mobilise in your absence to perpetrate a grand, practical joke at your expense. Given that I’m the one uncomfortably adjusting people’s office chairs when they leave their desks it was to be expected that I would be the victim for a change. So it was unsurprising to see all the contents of my cubicle relocated to the previously empty cubicle behind me. I was impressed by the attention to detail because they moved everything, including my pot plant John Kenneth Galbraith, and re-assembled the whole lot in the new cubicle, in exactly the same, obsessive compulsive way that I usually arrange my cubicle. Of course, it would have been far more impressive if they reconstructed my cubicle in the foyer of the building, the car park or the canteen. Amateurs! Perhaps I shouldn’t have included that genius idea here, because guess where I my cubicle’s going to be the next time I go on holiday?

The next reality check, the final nail in the coffin that was your delightful holiday, is to turn off your Out of Office Assistant. I don’t know why Microsoft calls it an “Assistant”. Maybe they’re seeing “Assistant” in the same context as Assisted Suicide? I could be wrong. But there are few things more depressing than having to click on the option “I am currently In the Office”. I’ve always felt that to be far too brief and not completely explaining my thoughts on the subject. If at all possible, I’d prefer to go with “It is with a heavy heart and an absent mind that I return to the office. I’ve only been back thirty minutes and I already have a headache. The throbbing of my head is matched only by my general state of lethargy, ambivalence and ennui. But other than that, it’s great to be back.”

Your first meeting back is like a splash of ice cold water in the face! Last week you could take minutes to decide what TV channel to watch at eleven in the morning; now you’re just taking minutes. Last week, communicating with people consisted of checking my text messages. This week it entails reading 363 new e-mail messages, returning far too many voicemails and meeting with people who need to update you on all that’s happened in the last two weeks, including who’s resigned, who’s joined, why we’re now over budget and a comprehensive review of the new stationery requisition form.

And finally, last week my ‘To Do’ list had one item on it, “Enjoy holiday”. Well, two if you count “Annoy sales people at the Apple shop”. This week, item 97 is “Plan next holiday”!

Parking as easy as a walk in the park during the holidays...

Working over the holidays can be a bit of a pain. While all of your colleagues are off having a great time with their family and friends at some exotic destination, you’re stuck in the cube farm, thinking of new and exciting ways to format your budget spreadsheets (mine are looking particularly spectacular this year). Still, there are some benefits to being in the office at this time of year – less traffic being my favourite. So, here’s my list of pros and cons to working over the holiday season:

Got any other suggestions? Let me know at diary@jeetesh.net

PMBOK and Prince II approved method for tracking the number of days to Christmas

My attempt to ignore the festive season is proving to be as unsuccessful as my attempt to ignore a midget I saw at McDonalds. He insisted on standing on his tip-toes to order, even though McDonalds kindly provides a small, yellow, “little people’s” staircase for just such a purpose. I offered to pick him up and put him on the counter, but he rudely turned down this considerate suggestion. So much for trying to help your fellow man! He also didn’t see the irony in ordering a Big Mac…

Now, back to why I find the festive season irritating… For starters, I can’t stand the crowds in the malls, the gaudy Christmas decorations, the creepy Santa Claus in the shops and most annoying, the Boney M Christmas Carol CD playing incessantly everywhere you go! As exciting as retrenching people is, the best job I’ve ever had is still working at a Häagen Dazs in London. The only blemish on this otherwise joyous working experience is the fact that the manager insisted on playing the Boney M Christmas Carol CD all day. “It’s evokes all that’s good about Christmas”, he said, not realising how quickly you want to smash the little drummer boy’s drum over his head after you’ve heard the CD repeat for the third time!

Some companies take Christmas quite seriously. From about now, Christmas decorations start going up around the office, stockings get hung up on cubicles in the vain hope that someone might put something of value in them… like an AIG bonus and tiny Christmas trees are sprouting on people’s desks. Not wanting to feel left out, I’ve put some tinsel on my probably dead pot plant Adam Smith. Invisible Hand high five!

Two years ago, our team bought a whole heap of Christmas decorations to add some artificial Christmas spirit to the drab, dungeon-like floor we were working on. The procurement process was quick (only four people needed to sign-off) and much to our surprise (and the surprise of the people we retrenched a little later that month), our Christmas Decoration budget was approved. We contacted the companies’ preferred, BEE-approved (black economic empowerment, for non-South African readers) Christmas decoration vendor and promptly bought the decorations we requested.

Included in our stash were ten advent calendars. Advent calendars are a great way of introducing disciplined project management techniques to tracking the number of days to Christmas. Plus, there’s a chocolate coin to eat everyday until Christmas (Microsoft Project offers no such benefit). We thought this was an excellent bonus to purchasing these particular advent calendars, until the following morning when we realised that the cleaners had eaten all our chocolates! It seems the Invisible Hand was hard at work the previous evening. Festive externalities – what can do?

I’m beginning to think that I was a little patronising to the midget I met at McDonalds. Maybe I should have gone the extra mile by referring him to an ad I’d seen asking for “little” people to apply for jobs as elves at a local shopping mall. There I go again, just trying to help my fellow man!

I love getting gifts, especially when they’re unexpected. I love getting gifts even more when they’re unexpected and they’re things I want. Knowing that you’re going to get something that you don’t want is clearly dismal and disappointing, like malaria. Explaining the permutations is best achieved using that ubiquitous old consulting technique: the two-by-two matrix. Many a problem has been misinterpreted, over-simplified and completely avoided by merely using a two-by-two matrix.

The Gift Two-by-two Matrix

The two-by-two matrix is fairly self-explanatory, but for the purposes of increased billing, the management consultant must explain the obvious. Thus… we all know how bankers, especially of the investment kind, expect those highly desirable bonuses, even if they’ve actually destroyed wealth (refer to global credit crunch). Management consultants on the other hand, desire large bonuses from clients but don’t expect to get them because they’ve already factored them into their hourly rates. We all expect a desk calendar at the end of the year, but who really gives a toss? The last quadrant is a little more difficult to explain: you don’t expect to get it and you don’t give a toss. The best example of this that I recently received is a “How Are You Feeling?” chart that’s meant to allow you to specify your current stress level. Based on your selection, you can then choose to call the Employee Assistance Program. Why you’d want one of these, I have no idea. You should be working, not contemplating how you’re feeling! The chart does have a tone of pessimism as there are nine negative emotions and only three positive ones to choose from!

I raise the issue of receiving gifts because I mentioned quite clearly in one of my recent posts “Extreme Makeover: Cubicle Edition” that I would like a pot plant for my cubicle that I would name John Kenneth Galbraith. A very simple request, I thought. One that’s very difficult to misinterpret. John Kenneth Galbraith might be easy to misinterpret, but not a pot plant named John Kenneth Galbraith… surely. I also mentioned that you should refrain from bringing your children’s predictable and amateurish drawing’s to work.

So you can imagine how completely unexpected it was when one of my colleagues presented me with a gift for my cubicle: one of her kid’s drawings! In a frame too! Smarty pants!

A geniune Nicole Trofimczyk (age approximately 18 months to 5 years; it's so difficult to tell)

Now without wanting to offend and of course to maintain cordial office relations, I’ve been “forced” to display this work of “art” (note how the teacher has stuck pictures to enhance its otherwise childlike qualities) in my cubicle. People are now asking “why the change of heart, Jeetesh?”, “we didn’t know you have children, Jeetesh?” and “your drawing has improved tremendously, Jeetesh!” According to the “How Are you Feeling” chart, I’m Anxious, Frustrated, Disappointed and Stressed!

What can you do? I know I’m not getting a banker’s bonus and a management consultant bonus is unlikely, so I guess I’ll just have to hold out for that desk calendar!

Received any weird gifts at work? Let me know at diary@jeetesh.net

A greyer shade of grey...

A great deal of time and money is spent decorating our homes. A trip to Fourways (the Johannesburg suburb that has more Tuscan villas than Tuscany!) on a Saturday morning is evidence enough. With the property market still in the doldrums, renovating your house is also proving to be quite popular. Now you have to fight your way through traffic jams outside Builders’ Warehouse on Saturday morning! And that’s assuming you make it past the army of builders, tilers, painters and plumbers looking for odd jobs over the weekend, all holding up signs misspelling the word ‘electrician’, which can’t be positive.

Judging from the various places I’ve worked, it seems that people have taken this decorating streak with them to work, which is quite unfortunate. Expressing your creativity using candles and potpourri really should remain in the home and not in the office. There should be a rule against having lavender scented candles on your desk, particularly if you’re planning a hostile takeover later that week. Change Management perhaps, but certainly not Mergers and Acquisitions!

But given how dreary some cube farms are, it’s not surprising employees feel the need to decorate them. I’ve seen some cubicle dividers that are so grey, the accounting firm they were meant for sent them back. You know it’s bad when even the accountants are complaining that the colour’s dull! One company went the opposite route and chose dividers that are all the colours of the rainbow! Every meeting you have there feels like you’re at a Gay Pride parade, but without the “air kisses” and the denim shorts.

Given the transient nature of my contracts, I’ve taken a minimalist approach to decorating my cubicle. My rule of thumb is to ensure that all my personal belongings fit into the upturned lid of the box that the photocopier paper comes in. My cube is adorned with four name tags, which has done very little to prevent slow-learners from stopping to ask where Jeetesh sits. I have two desk calendars – one Production calendar and one for Disaster Recovery (if you find this funny, you’ve been in IT too long; go out and get some sun). I also have a pot plant named Adam Smith. I’ve always wanted to name a plant after the father of modern economics. Sadly, like Adam Smith, I think it’s passed on. If I get another, I think John Kenneth Galbraith will get the nod.

So, taking a decorative feather out the cap of those annoying interior design programs that I’ve often fallen asleep to, here then are some handy Do’s and Don’t for decorating your cubicle.

Do:

• Pin cartoons to your cube’s divider. Not too many though as this perpetuates my Dilbert Law of Employee Happiness: the number of Dilbert cartoons stuck on cubicles is inversely proportional to employee happiness – the more cartoons up on the walls, the lower employee happiness!
• Bring toys or sports equipment to work. Basketballs, cricket bats, Rubik’s Cubes, Star Wars action figures, bring ‘em all! They’re a great distraction, fun to play with and gives us all an excuse to come and visit you, making you seem far more popular than you really are!
• Express your creativity with an exciting and interesting desktop background, downloaded off the Internet during work hours.
• Hang up your Employee of the Month certificate. What else are you going to do with it?

Don’t:

• Litter your cubicle with family/pets/holiday photographs, especially if you’ve used the company’s sole colour copier to print them.
• Bring your children’s drawings to work. Let’s be honest, most of time, they’re rubbish and are very cliché – there’s a sun, some clouds, badly drawn birds, something that might be a dog, a stick person that’s meant to be you and a rectangular car which is actually quite an accurate representation of a Dodge Nitro.
• Grace your desk with wedding photos. Yes, it may have been the happiest day of your life, but we’re constantly amazed at how less attractive you look now.
• Proudly display A3 schematics of the Starship Enterprise. Chicks don’t dig it. (Name withheld to protect the nerdy)

And don’t forget to come and visit me at my delightful cubicle one of these days. As a cubicle-warming present, you can bring a pot plant.