The Diary of a Reluctant Management Consultant

The vuvuzela - the reason why I'll be taking a pair of ear plugs and a taser to the World Cup games

I have no doubt that many of you dear readers are serious-minded, rational, focused businessmen and women that are finding this whole World Cup thing to be a distraction at best and an immense productivity drain at worst. If you went to the bank at 15:00 last Friday afternoon, I doubt you would have found anyone to greet you, let alone help you. Now, I know that this is very similar to your usual Friday afternoon banking experience, but look on the bright side, at least the queues were shorter. FIFA and the South African government assure us that the World Cup isn’t just some frivolous soccer tournament meant to fill the coffers of FIFA and the South African government, but rather it will be a boon to the local economy. So far all the economic benefits that I’ve seen are the following:

• If there is one thing overseas visitors are going to remember about South Africa is that innocuous looking plastic horn called the vuvuzela. They will remember it because it will be the cause of their inevitable deafness. The urge to support your team with a monotone vuvuzela drone will have certainly put some money in the pockets of horn manufacturers, traffic light vendors and ear specialists.
• An unintended consequence of the vuvuzela is the rocketing demand for ear plugs. My local chemist is sold out, but fortunately my armed cousin tells me a little known secret: gun shops and shooting ranges still have stock. Another unintended, but fortunate consequence of our high crime rate.
• Face paint manufacturers from China are smiling simply because there are six different colours in the South African flag. That’s a lot of face paint. Don’t forget, for large surfaces, use a roller. The global supply of orange face paint is also finished as the Dutch have bought it all.
• I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the enormous benefit that the five, spectacular new stadiums will bring to the country. We’ve already managed to squeeze out a couple of National Geographic “Megastructures” programs. And let’s not forget the hundreds of Rands to be made from the cable car going over the Moses Mabhida Stadium. It remains to be seen if Africa’s Big Five will now include a few white elephants.
• Vast improvements have been made to our roads. Some of these improvements include fixing them, as opposed to just putting up a sign that warns of pot holes. Previously the average Joburger would be frustrated in just three lanes of stagnant traffic. But thanks to the upgrading of the highways we can now be frustrated in four lanes of stagnant traffic.
• Tourism dollars are pouring in! We fully expect the number of tourists to be attacked by wildlife to increase. Just because you saw the Lion King doesn’t mean real lions are as wise and as well spoken as Mufasa. They’ll still eat you… as they did the Taiwanese tourist from a couple of years back, who stepped out of his vehicle to give his wife a biscuit!
• 20,000 people at the Sandton fan park – that’s a lot of portable toilets! Turns out there’s money to be made in poo!
• Thanks to World Cup, economists are being kept busy, desperately trying to calculate the economic benefits of the World Cup.