Wasn't this the poster for "Clash of the Titans"?
Taurus
You will try to print today, but the rings of Saturn will cause the paper to evaporate and the toner to run out. Once you’ve stolen some spare paper from another department’s printer, it will jam. This is called printer karma. You won’t find new toner in time, so you’ll be forced to print anyway, resulting in everyone in your meeting squinting like Gabrielle as they try to read the really feint fine print.
Gemini
Today you will encounter an exciting opportunity to pursue a new career at an alternate organisation – you’ll be laid off. Don’t steal any stationery on your way out.
Cancer
It is unfortunate that your star sign shares its name with a potentially life-threatening disease. This probably means that you’re in need of a tonic. Might I suggest a gin and tonic, with lots of ice and a slice of lemon?
Leo
There is much appetite for risk in your life. Seize this opportunity by purchasing a CDO (Collateralised Debt Obligation) from Goldman Sachs.
Virgo
Self-promotion is the key as you apply for a new job. Tell them that you love a challenge, that you’re a team player that excels by working on your own and that your only weakness is being a perfectionist. They’ll think the Sun shines out of Uranus… astrologically speaking of course.
Libra
It is important that you strive for balance in your life. This is not due to working too hard, spending too much time in the office or an insatiable drive to succeed, but rather because it appears you have an inner ear problem.
Scorpio
The stars are forecasting money in your future. Unfortunately, due to an unplanned IT outage, the stars are unable to estimate the quantity of money, when it will be coming to you and whether it is tax deductible or not. The stars apologise for any inconvenience caused, our stellar technicians are attending to the problem.
Sagittarius
A feeling of déjà-vu will come over you as you’re asked to redo your budget. A feeling of déjà-vu will come over you as you’re asked to redo your budget.
Capricorn
You are going places! Your department will be moving today to the basement… also known as the Dungeon… colloquially of course. However, it’s dark, damp and lonely down there and you’ll always have a sense of imprisonment as that’s where the external auditors sit.
Aquarius
You put the Alpha in Alpha Centauri! You’re number one, which can only mean one thing: a promotion! This may just mean the addition of ‘Deputy’, ‘Assistant’ or ‘Supervisor’ to your existing title, but if you’re lucky, it may mean all three. A nominal increase is in order, but this will push you into a higher tax bracket, resulting in your net income actually falling. Congratulations!
Pisces
Nausea is rising, so don’t have the fish in the canteen.
Aries
Do not take anything for granted, especially from a guy named Grant. Beware of Greeks bearing gifts, especially if they’re junk bonds. Look before you leap, particularly if you’re on a beach near the Gulf of Mexico. Avoid all generalisations.
If Today’s Your Birthday
You’re probably wondering why you haven’t achieved half the goals you set last year. The stars are wondering too. But good news for today, you’re destined to bring cake for the ungrateful people in your office. You’ll unsuccessfully scour the building for side plates, spoons, serviettes and a knife, resulting in having to cut the cake with a plastic fork and serve it on paper liberated from the printer.
As part of my ongoing quest to give you new, interesting and exciting ways to procrastinate at work, I’ve made a downloadable version of your horoscope. Thanks for the feedback, I’m only too glad to assist in mapping out the rest of your working year. I’ll have to consultant the stars again at the beginning of 2011 (it’s so difficult to get an appointment) and prognosticate what the new year will bring to us all. I’m sensing higher inflation, more regulation of financial markets and the Germans upholding the ban on naked shorts, covered longs and Speedos. Here it is:
