Employee of the Month
Over an awful lunch in our awful canteen, one of my colleagues was complaining that another valuable “asset” in the company is being rewarded, even though we all know he’s a Work-shy Lazy Bastard (WLB). Despite the fact that the reward is fairly inconsequential, similar to those quality “employee of the month” frames at your local McDonald’s, it does irk a lot of people that the guy who puts the ‘ass’ in ‘asset’ is being acknowledged for his ephemeral hard work. Yes, this is very unfair. Perhaps as unfair as Jethro Tull winning the 1989 Grammy for Best Hard Rock/Metal performance instead of Metallica, but the WLB must be doing something right. Somehow or the other, he must be creating the impression that he’s a hard worker, someone who goes the extra mile, someone who’s a quality employee. Don’t hate the playa, hate the game, as my hip hop lovin’, my pants are hanging below my bum, is Metallica a brand of car polish, 23 year old team member always says.
After careful observation of the WLB in its natural habitat, the cubicle farm, I have discovered some really neat ways for you to create the illusion that you’re the business shizness (I may be spending too much time with the 23 year old). With minimal effort, and I really do mean minimal, you too can soon be the proud owner of an “employee of the month” certificate.
Businesses that experience resource constraints (short-staffed if you’re in retail) are always talking about cloning their staff. A pipe dream perhaps, until of course genetically modified crops finally work their magic. But this can now be achieved by simply sending e-mails very early in the morning or late at night. People get these sneaky e-mails and think that you’re really putting in a special effort. Meanwhile, you’re just sitting on your couch, sipping a beer while watching illegally downloaded episodes of “House”. It’s remarkably easy to achieve. For Outlook 2007:
- Open a new mail message
- Click on the ‘Options’ tab
- Click on the ‘Delay Delivery’ icon
- Under the ‘Delivery options’ section, select the time when you would like your e-mail to be sent (try not to choose round numbers, go for something like 02:23)
- Click ‘Close’, then ‘Send’
Colleagues will be astonished when they see you’ve been working at 02:23! A hard worker like that is surely deserving of reward.
Another shifty WLB trick is to block book your diary. Simply set-up nondescript sounding meetings with yourself. Things like ‘Budget Meeting, ‘Team Meeting’ or ‘Performance Review’ will all suffice. When people try to book meetings with you, they’ll see how frightfully busy you are. Some will even call to try get a precious hour of your time. Cancel a fake meeting and they’ll love you even more for accommodating their humble meeting in your stressful schedule.
People who have meetings all day are always rushing from place to place. To validate your impenetrable diary, you must do the same. No matter where you are going in the building, even it’s to have a nap in your car, you must get there at pace. Look frustrated if you can, it adds to the effect. If you get stopped by a colleague, tell them that you’d love to chat but you’re running late for a meeting, but he’s more than welcome to book some time in your diary… Another quick tip, leave meetings early, because naturally you have another meeting to rush to!
A quality employee is also a knowledgeable employee. Thus, it’s important for you to demonstrate just how knowledgeable you are. This can be achieved by using a lot of jargon and abbreviations, mentioning random obscurities or by simply making things up. Ask people what they think of the new King III report. Question whether the GL has been updated with the EQTs, the MMs and the NCDs ASAP. Object in meetings because you feel the group just isn’t taking GR58A into account. Wait a week for someone to thank you for raising the important GR58A issue, which thankfully, has now been resolved. Go ahead and start making space for that “employee of the year” award!
Now, if you’ll please excuse me, I have to send a few e-mails this evening…
Ever been stuck in meeting that just seemed to go on and on for hours, even though it was only scheduled to last an hour? Ever thought about physically harming one of your colleagues who droned on and on about visions, missions, KPAs, KRAs and CSFs? Ever thought that PowerPoint was the work of devil?
