Posts Tagged ‘Jobs’
Monday, August 16th, 2010
 Charles' customised keyboard did little to disguise his intentions. I ran into a neighbour of mine the other day and asked him why he was selling his house. He genuinely looked surprised and asked me how I knew. Mmm… lucky guess, but the large For Sale sign was a bit of a clue. The same sort of thinking can also be found in our offices and our teams – people scurrying about applying for new jobs, thinking that the rest of us are blissfully unaware of their intentions. Like the For Sale sign, the clues are starring right at you! Here are my Top Ten Signs That Your Employees Are Looking For New Jobs:
| 10. |
There’s a rash of doctor’s appointments, car trouble, children finishing school early or any other superficial excuse needed to disguise interviews with potential employers. |
| 9. |
They seem to be spending an inordinate amount of time at the printer and photocopier. You would too if you need to scan, print and photocopy your identity document, Matric certificate, university degree, CV or résumé, reference letters, most recent payslip and a PowerPoint-generated “An Introduction to PowerPoint 2003” certificate. |
| 8. |
They’ll casually test you with questions like “If you had leave owing, would you take the leave or ask to be paid out instead, less the tax deduction… hypothetically speaking of course.” Not very subtle. |
| 7. |
They’re blasé about tasks that need to be completed in more than one calendar month’s time. Someone’s a little confident… |
| 6. |
They take full advantage of the newspapers that the company subscribes to… to thoroughly investigate the jobs section. This job search is usually done after hours, so wait a little, creep up behind your soon-to-be-former-colleague and suddenly exclaim “What you doing?” They’ll turn to the sports section of the paper faster than a surprised graduate pressing ‘Alt’ + ‘Tab’ when caught surfing porn during office hours. |
| 5. |
When you ask for a progress update in a meeting, they tell you where they see themselves in five years time. Force of habit, I suppose. |
| 4. |
They keep dropping hints round the office, saying things like “You’ll miss me when I’m gone”, “It’ll take months to train up my replacement” and “No one else here knows how to put animated kitten borders on Word documents”. What will we do without those animated kitten borders?! |
| 3. |
Internet usage changes from news, sports, Facebook and LOL Cats, to jobs, interview techniques, LinkedIn and Google Maps, which they’re using to work out their new route to their new job. And of course, porn. What are they going to do, fire you? |
| 2. |
You start getting a large number of calls from recruiters and HR people all wanting to check references. Most employees who ask you to provide references for them often forget to tell you they’re looking for jobs again, thus subverting their plan to keep their new job hunt under wraps. Answer the questions loudly on your phone and soon everyone in the office will know. Confront the forgetful minion, asking “I’ve been getting a lot of calls from recruitment agencies recently. You aren’t looking for a new job are you?” Relish the subsequent squirming! |
| 1. |
They start dressing better. This is a vain attempt to camouflage when they really have to dress up for an interview. A sure sign is a well dressed employee leaving early for a doctor’s appointment. Since when do doctors insist on formal attire for a prostrate exam? If you run into a well dressed colleague, ask them how many interviews they still need to attend. |
Monday, February 8th, 2010
 The George W. Bush Presidential Library Last week I presented my Top Ten list of the Easiest Jobs in the World. Clearly Apple users and Porsche drivers (or perhaps aspirant Porsche drivers?) are very passionate about their chosen brands and certainly let me know about it. I’ve referred the Apple users to my iComplaints line where they can iVent. Porsche readers aren’t available to read this week’s blog as they are busy compiling a definitive and comprehensive list of at least three visible differences between the current and previous 911 models.
This week I’m sure to irritate Alfa Romeo drivers and the Afghan tourist authority. Personally, I’m more concerned about the latter. Here’s my list of Top Ten Most Difficult Jobs in the World:
| 10. |
Lady Gaga’s stylist. No experience necessary. |
| 9. |
Architect for the George W. Bush Presidential Library. How do you design a $200 million library when the one and only book associated with George W. Bush’s presidency is “The Pet Goat” by Siegfried Engelmann and Elaine C. Bruner? |
| 8. |
Head of the Alfa Romeo Six Sigma programme. |
| 7. |
Charlie Munger, Warren Buffet’s sidekick, who at 86 must be wondering when he’ll get a chance to run Berkshire Hathaway. That youngster Buffet (79) has had more that his fair share of the limelight! |
| 6. |
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s speechwriter. It’s so difficult to write speeches where you’re trying to convey a sense of gravitas whilst limited to a list of only one hundred easily pronounceable English words. |
| 5. |
Anyone working in the US government with the word ‘czar’ in their title, e.g. Drug Czar, the Cyber Security Czar, the Terrorism Czar and the War Czar. You inherit a fancy title but also political hot potatoes, practically unsolvable problems and unrealistic expectations. And let’s face it, what are your chances of success when you consider that the last Tsar of Russia, Nicolas II, abdicated and was later shot? |
| 4. |
Pete Doherty’s substance abuse sponsor. |
| 3. |
Toyota’s Head of Public Relations. Accelerator pedal problem? What accelerator pedal problem? |
| 2. |
Chief Executive Officer of the Afghanistan Tourist Authority. Welcome to Afghanistan and please enjoy your stay. Now featuring our famous “All the Adrenaline You’ll Ever Need” Tour of Helmund province, visit what’s left of Tora Bora and embrace nature by helping to harvest poppies with the locals. Please feel free to show your appreciation for your heavily armed security staff with a generous tip. |
| 1. |
Mike Rowe, host of the Discovery Channel’s “Dirty Jobs”. While we appreciate Mike collecting bat guano, cleaning septic tanks and making dog food out of tripe, all for our entertainment, there must be an easier way for this guy to earn a living on TV! |
Any other suggestions for the most difficult job in the world, let me know at diary@jeetesh.net
Next week I’ll be writing to you from a probably cold and wet San Francisco. I’m not saying that there’s racial profiling at the airport, but given that I’m a single, light brown fellow, travelling from Africa, I’m going to get to the airport at little early…
Monday, February 1st, 2010
 Change Manager hard at work, thinking about scheduling a workshop to discuss "feelings". Like many of you dear readers, I procrastinated my way through school and university, trying to absorb entire textbooks the night before exams, all in the vain hope of getting a good job and earning a good salary. Then I became a management consultant and that dream died a sad and dull death. But every now and then I come across people with super cool jobs, making stupendous amounts of money for doing very little. And sometimes their jobs aren’t even remotely cool, but they get paid stupendous amounts of money to make up for it. Sometimes I wish I had one of the easiest jobs in the world, such as any one of these fine examples:
| 10. |
Porsche design team. Their design philosophy: ensure new models resemble previous models as closely as possible, except for the Cayenne, in which case make it look as ugly as possible. |
| 9. |
South African Minister of Sport – job description includes watching sport, commenting on sport and meddling. All without having been involved in any form of actual sport in the last forty years… sort of like your know-it-all, couch potato uncle but without the black S-class Mercedes Benz and the four car escort. |
| 8. |
Scriptwriter for “Lost” – key principle: it doesn’t have to make any sense whatsoever! |
| 7. |
Kanye West’s confidence coach. |
| 6. |
McDonalds Mystery Shopper – travel round the country sampling McDonald’s fine, if identical menu, rating the meals, confirming that they all taste exactly the same: sawdust and ketchup in a cardboard bun. |
| 5. |
Krispy Kreme “hot-doughnut-free-sample-giver” – 10,000 diabetics killed and counting! |
| 4. |
Chairperson of the ANC Ethics Committee. Conflict of interest? What conflict of interest? |
| 3. |
Apple’s new product name giver – just add an ‘i’ in front of everything, e.g. iPod, iPad, iLazy. |
| 2. |
Change manager – job involves ephemeral things like communication, stakeholder management and receptivity to change. There’s no plan and no discernable deliverables (unless of course you count a chocolate on everyone’s desk, with the quote “The only constant is change” stapled to it, as a deliverable). All you get is an invoice at the end of the month for “Change Activities”. |
| 1. |
The long-legged, blonde and brunette in tiny “military” dresses plying patrons with Smirnoff vodka Moscow Mule cocktails on Friday afternoon at JB’s Corner. We bought twelve! |
Any other suggestions for easiest job in the world, let me know at diary@jeetesh.net
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