One of the most important tools in the arsenal of a professional meeting-attendee such as myself is an Agenda. I do, of course, mean ‘agenda’ as in a list or outline of things to be considered or done, as opposed to ‘agenda’ insinuating an underlying often ideological plan or program.[1] However, after a recent meeting that I attended, one can be forgiven for confusing the two definitions. I received the meeting’s agenda with the invitation and was amazed to proceed through all the agenda items without actually discussing the literal agenda items. Thus, I present my version of a meeting agenda, what it says and what it really means:

Potter Weasley Granger & Associates

Audit Tax Advisory Magic

Company Meeting – Agenda

Date:	15 March 2010 (A company meeting on a Monday? You must be joking!)
Time:	14:00 to 16:00 (After lunch? Seriously? Nap time here we come.)
Venue:	Gryffindor Boardroom (The boardroom without any aircon? Now you’re just killing me!)
Chairperson:	H. Potter (That self-obsessed, short-tempered, long-winded, big-headed, small-minded, one-sided, two-faced, ear infection of a man!)

Agenda Items

No.	Item	Responsible	Duration
1.	Welcome and apologies (This meeting is about as welcoming as a sign outside a building that say “Arbeit Macht Frei”, the snap of latex rubber gloves at US Customs or a Roger Waters and Pink Floyd reunion. In fact, it’s me that should apologise to my family, friends, mentors and educators for having failed them so miserably to have only risen to the lowly heights that is this company, this position and this meeting. I wonder if there’s going to be biscuits?)	H. Potter	5 min
2.	Minutes of the previous meeting (The minutes of the previous meeting will always be accepted because no one ever reads them.)	H. Potter	5 min
3.	Action items from previous meeting (There were actions from the previous meeting?)	H. Potter	5 min (15 minutes in and we haven’t even done anything yet)
4.	New Projects (Oh God, you know what this means? Someone’s been blue sky thinking, brainstorming, or even worse, reading. Now we’ll have to implement another ludicrous idea, like trying to teach clients about GAAP using only a laminated card and interpretive dance. Note to self: blacklist Amazon.com)	R. Weasley	30 min
5.	Budget (A fruitless discussion where we’ll present our budgets, which were merely last year’s budget multiplied by 1.1. Tempers will flare over the rising numbers and why some budgets are approved, such as the GAAP Interpretative Dance Project, while others are cut, such as the bonus pool, business class travel and the employee assistance program. All budgets will then be cut by 10%.)	L. Voldemort	45 min
6.	Marketing Feedback (Great, another fifteen minute discussion about why we need a new logo and a new font.)	H. Granger	15 min
7.	Company Teambuilding Event (There’s a light at the end of the tunnel! A quick chat about another pointless excuse to spend a day out the office under the pretext of building a better team. Just agree to the option that’s outdoors, has a bar and comes with a free T-shirt that I can use in the garden and then we’re done!)	D. Mentor	5 min
8.	General (Brace yourself. All the inane, tedious and meaningless comments will now come out, in an attempt to create an illusion of value and contribution. The end is nigh.)	H. Potter	5 min (the Lord have mercy)
9.	Date and time of next meeting (Don’t people learn? After the pain that was this meeting, they now want another one?)	H. Potter	5 min (at last!)

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[1] Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary, http://www.merriam-webster.com/ , 14 March 2010

San Franciscans can be very proud of their city; breathtaking vistas, sights steeped in history, a rich, multi-cultural society and of course, their eccentric, boisterous and very entertaining homeless community. In South African cities, homeless people are homeless because, well… they’re homeless. Poverty forces people onto the streets, trying to eke out a meagre living selling relief maps of Africa, feather dusters and super glue at traffic lights. Marketers will surely commend our homeless for their choice of location, location, location, ticking the Place box of the Four P’s of Marketing, but will probably mark them down their selection of Product to meet the demanding needs of the angry, Joburg driver trying to prevent taxis from squeezing in front of him. Headache tablets or firearms might be an easier sell.

I have to award ten out of ten to the San Franciscan homeless for Promotion, because if there’s one thing they’re not is shy. They will own a street corner, shouting out their need for money for food, cigarettes or vodka (not necessarily in that order of priority). And when some of them realise you’re a tourist, they’re kind enough to welcome you to their city and offer to take you on a tour as long as the first stop is the nearest liquor store. Some of the homeless are educated, taking books out from the Public Library. Although none of the books seemed to cover useful topics such as job hunting, prudent financial management or building your personal brand. Others love their coffee, taking a break from the stresses of the day to enjoy a Grande Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Café Latte. It’s a different class of homeless person that begs for money for a Starbucks latte. And talk about honesty in advertising: one guy has a sign that says “Why lie? Need money for beer.” I added the punctuation and gave him a dollar.

However, employed San Franciscans don’t seem to be as enamoured with their homeless as I am. As with any other city dweller, they’re more cognisant with what’s wrong with their city than what’s right. Coming from Johannesburg, I’m just amazed to see all of their traffic lights working, even in the rain! Citizens of Joburg, they told us it’s not possible, but I have seen the future and it works! For those of you back home who don’t believe me, I have pictures to prove it!

One of the universal complaints of most residents of big, international cities is their sheer contempt for their public transport system. Underground, overground (Wombles are we) there’s always an issue: it’s too busy, too dirty, too smelly. The fact that it gets you from A to B at a reasonable price is often forgotten. But that’s what makes us poor, deprived inhabitants of cities without public transport so envious of your buses and trains that get you to your destination on the same day that you left. And San Francisco is no exception. To them the Bart and Muni, as they’re called, are a blight on the city, insidiously taking people to and fro, efficiently and relatively cheaply. They have obviously not seen or heard of the South African minibus taxi. Londoners will be disappointed to know that I observed a train proceeding as per normal even though there were leaves on the track! They must have some super advanced trains in the US!

I’m in Sacramento this week, the capitol of the state of California – seat of power of the Governator, Arnold Schwarzenegger. One more week here, and then… I’ll be back! Sorry, I couldn’t resist.