Do You Have a Dream?
Monday, January 25th, 2010
A tube of toothpaste on the path to financial freedom...
Throughout the world, in organisations of all sorts, there is a subversive group of employees that have a vision and mission of their own. Yes, they come to work and do all the things that the rest of us do, but it’s all just a means to an end for them. They might look like you and me, tired, stressed and bored, but every now and then they get a glint in their eye when they spot an unsuspecting employee oblivious to their wily, predatory ways. No, I’m not talking about internal auditors, but rather a dubious and crafty group of employees: the ones trying to run retail businesses on the side!
Need some cheap jewellery, a delicious pastry or two dozen, herbal supplements to energise you or even an aluminium pot? Don’t go to the store, when for you all you know a quality purveyor of these goods may be sitting right next to your cubicle! I know going to the mall can be stressful and a trip to the supermarket means pushing your trolley through the gauntlet of sweets and chocolates at kids’ beady eye level, dodging hyperactive children high on Spiderman jelly babies, while you queue to pay. A pleasant alternative to this mayhem can be sipping a calming cup of camomile tea, while your colleague presents his or her wares, leaving you to conveniently select your choice from a well leafed through catalogue. There’s even a large bag of samples, if you want to see the real McCoy, which sucks a bit if you’re the one selling a complete range of aluminium cookware. Did I mention the large metal detectors at the entrance to our building?
While HR are striving to keep employees engaged and well rewarded (in theory anyway) and management are trying to get all employees to work together towards a grand, unifying goal, there are a few people who want to do all of these things, whilst also making some extra cash on the side. I suppose I don’t really mind, as long as they stay as far away from me as possible. The ones that I’m most suspicious of are the rather politely named multi-level marketers. I prefer pyramid scheme.
My dislike for these pharaohs of profit began when I applied for my first professional job (I don’t think cutting cheese in my dad’s shop counts). I naively responded to an ad for an international company starting their new South African operation looking for a top-of -the-class HR Honours graduate. This was me. Sadly, the international organisation turned out to be Herbalife and the interview was a recruitment drive for fifty other sucker graduates. Multi-level marketers will never play it straight and tell you exactly what they want and what they’re selling. There’s always some illusory promise that’s meant to ensnare the innocent – you too can win a trip to Mauritius… all you have to do is sell 10,000 bottles of detergent.
If a colleague ever asks you, “Do you have dream?” run away as if you’d just heard that Mariah Carey was about to give an acceptance speech. “Do you have a dream” is the first sentence in the multi-level marketer’s script, used to lure you into their web of cheap products, cheesy presentations and even more singing and cheering than a charismatic church. They promise a life of financial freedom in exchange for you flogging second-rate toothpaste to your colleagues. And growing your business means embarrassing yourself in front of all your soon-to-be-former friends, as you try to convince them to join you on this dignity-diminishing endeavour.
A look at the employee classifieds on the intranet is equally depressing. People that you respected as hardworking colleagues are also trying to sell you ear rings, pies, DVDs, speakers, washing machines and even homeopathic remedies. Got some sugar water for stress relief?
If ever you’re asked if you have a dream, tell them you love being an employee of a large corporate monolith, you make more money than you deserve, you have no desire to work for yourself, you’ve been to Mauritius, you have all the toothpaste you need and you have no friends either. That should stall them for at least five minutes… enough time for you run out and pie a buy from the canteen.
