The Diary of a Reluctant Management Consultant

The world's most annoying sports tournament comes to South Africa.

There are only ten days left until the start of the largest sporting event in the world, the 2010 Soccer World Cup. Yes, the excitement is building, as this means there are only 41 days left until the end of the largest sporting event in the world.  Please don’t get me wrong, I’m as thrilled as the next guy about the World Cup being hosted in South Africa, particularly in my home town of Johannesburg… as long as the next guy happens to be a cynical, crabby, consultant concerned about the impact of a soccer tournament on his billable hours, project schedule and his ability to make it to drinks at News Café next Friday afternoon. Let’s be honest here, all we have ahead of us is four weeks of a bunch of guys kicking a ball around.

Like British Petroleum, for South African businesses, the next month will be a complete write-off. All I hear in the canteen, in meetings and disciplinary hearings is what games people are going to, which fan parks they’ll be visiting and which pub they’re planning on waking up in the next morning. How anyone’s going to make it to work in any sort of productive state is beyond me. Absenteeism will no doubt rise and dodgy doctors will be writing dubious medical certificates, informing employers of mysterious illnesses that are only prevalent for a day. During the 2002 World Cup, a senior manager of the client we were consulting to, at least had the foresight to take the day off every time Italy played. We raised this as a concern with the client as we needed heaps of his time… well, just enough to determine that he was redundant and could be replaced by a machine. Fortunately, Italy didn’t make it very far that year. Co-incidentally, neither did he.

The forecast of receiving over 200,000 international visitors (down from an initial 500,000, which sounds suspiciously like Arthur Anderson did the numbers) does mean that business travel in the country will be severely curtailed. So, the joy of leaving for the airport, getting stuck in traffic, fighting for parking, pushing grannies out of your way to make it to your gate on time, only to find out that your flight has been delayed by a volcano, will have to wait for another four weeks.

Of course, getting around town will be equally challenging. Firstly, due to FIFA’s own making, because they say FIFA will take one lane of every major highway in each host city for their exclusive use. That’s great, but how will they stop our beloved minibus taxis from taking one lane from FIFA for their exclusive use? Secondly, traffic will be hampered by the Johannesburg Metro Council itself, as they have a particular knack of doing things at the most inopportune times. For example, last week they choose to hang up the competing countries’ flags on lamp posts, at 16:30, during peak hour traffic. That makes sense doesn’t it? Bring the entire highway to a grinding halt by putting up flimsy flags. Some of the flags have fallen off already, which means I’m probably going to struggle to get to News Café this Friday too!

While I grumble about the World Cup messing with my routine, soccer players are arriving en masse and are being whisked away to fancy five star hotels, where they may just want to store their valuables in the hotel-provided safes (you know, just in case). And while fans are painting their faces in anticipation, FIFA are preparing sue small children for playing soccer in the street and attempting to trademark the word ‘fun’!

"I'm not asleep, I'm just typing really, really carefully."

After two weeks of jet-setting, I can’t say that I’m entirely thrilled to be back at the office again. ‘Underwhelmed’ might be a better description of how I feel, however that may just be the jet lag. I was confident that I would have shrugged off the effects of jet lag by now. Sadly, I’m still struggling to fall asleep at a reasonable hour and am now trying to bore myself to blissful slumber by watching CNBC at one in the morning. On the bright side though, there are some very interesting programs about dinosaurs at that time on the National Geographic channel. The other understandable but bizarre side effect of jet lag is that I find myself getting really hungry at four in the afternoon, which now makes dinner at eight feel like the midnight munchies! The good news is that the Academy Awards ceremony is being broadcast tonight, so I should be fast asleep by about 19:45.

Getting back to work can be a very traumatic experience indeed. Firstly, the traffic jolts you back to reality as you realise that while you’ve been partying it up elsewhere, everyone else has been engaging in morning skirmishes, just trying to get to their place of work on time and one piece. Just thirty minutes into your journey and you’re already cussing, flipping the bird and brandishing your firearms (Joburg drivers only)… and that’s just to your kids in the back seat.

If the team that you work with is a group of motivated, intelligent and mature individuals, then they probably did not mobilise in your absence to perpetrate a grand, practical joke at your expense. Given that I’m the one uncomfortably adjusting people’s office chairs when they leave their desks it was to be expected that I would be the victim for a change. So it was unsurprising to see all the contents of my cubicle relocated to the previously empty cubicle behind me. I was impressed by the attention to detail because they moved everything, including my pot plant John Kenneth Galbraith, and re-assembled the whole lot in the new cubicle, in exactly the same, obsessive compulsive way that I usually arrange my cubicle. Of course, it would have been far more impressive if they reconstructed my cubicle in the foyer of the building, the car park or the canteen. Amateurs! Perhaps I shouldn’t have included that genius idea here, because guess where I my cubicle’s going to be the next time I go on holiday?

The next reality check, the final nail in the coffin that was your delightful holiday, is to turn off your Out of Office Assistant. I don’t know why Microsoft calls it an “Assistant”. Maybe they’re seeing “Assistant” in the same context as Assisted Suicide? I could be wrong. But there are few things more depressing than having to click on the option “I am currently In the Office”. I’ve always felt that to be far too brief and not completely explaining my thoughts on the subject. If at all possible, I’d prefer to go with “It is with a heavy heart and an absent mind that I return to the office. I’ve only been back thirty minutes and I already have a headache. The throbbing of my head is matched only by my general state of lethargy, ambivalence and ennui. But other than that, it’s great to be back.”

Your first meeting back is like a splash of ice cold water in the face! Last week you could take minutes to decide what TV channel to watch at eleven in the morning; now you’re just taking minutes. Last week, communicating with people consisted of checking my text messages. This week it entails reading 363 new e-mail messages, returning far too many voicemails and meeting with people who need to update you on all that’s happened in the last two weeks, including who’s resigned, who’s joined, why we’re now over budget and a comprehensive review of the new stationery requisition form.

And finally, last week my ‘To Do’ list had one item on it, “Enjoy holiday”. Well, two if you count “Annoy sales people at the Apple shop”. This week, item 97 is “Plan next holiday”!

"The weather was fantastic!"

The first week back at the office can, quite possibly, be the most frustrating of the year. The reasons are many and varied but can usually be traced to the clash of the idiots (like me) who worked over the festive season and the lucky schmucks who took leave and went on holiday. As the holiday-makers pour back into the office with their relaxed demeanours, golden tans and childlike, optimistic attitudes, they are met by a small group of disgruntled, envious, aggravated and pale pessimists.

Everywhere you go in the office a shiny, happy person wants to tell you what they did over the holidays and those who lurked around the office over this time are eager to justify why the chose to work while the rest of the country was at the coast trying to get sand out of their nether regions. The result is the same, numbingly dull and repetitive conversation had at the vending machine, in the lift and even at the urinal, despite the unwritten urinal “absolutely no conversation unless you’re absolutely drunk” rule. But there’s very little straight talk in these conversations; the truth is carefully hidden from view. Take for example some of the things that the vacationers regularly sprout forth:

And here’s a little sample of what the poor, unfortunate, self-appointed martyrs have to say:

That’s right; the first week back at the office is filled with boring people telling you boring stories of the boring things they did on their boring holidays. And when you eventually make it back to the office, you’re met with some idiot parking in your parking spot; your access card doesn’t work because Security re-set them on 1 January and you can’t log on because you’ve forgotten your password.

But it’s good to be back at the office – I was running low on Post-It notes and besides, I was cut-off by a dunce in an Audi this morning, so at least things are back to normal.

Parking as easy as a walk in the park during the holidays...

Working over the holidays can be a bit of a pain. While all of your colleagues are off having a great time with their family and friends at some exotic destination, you’re stuck in the cube farm, thinking of new and exciting ways to format your budget spreadsheets (mine are looking particularly spectacular this year). Still, there are some benefits to being in the office at this time of year – less traffic being my favourite. So, here’s my list of pros and cons to working over the holiday season:

Got any other suggestions? Let me know at diary@jeetesh.net